Hi Sarah,
I like some of what's happening in this draft - but not all.
I feel the two penultimate questions, near the end, aren't needed. I feel I
already know what they're asking: they're implied already in the poem, and
in the preface you've offered. And, even if you hadn't offered the preface -
and the word "slowworm" were still somewhere in a title - I think I would
know what it's about... "Slowworm" is such a good word, anyway, for this
poem, IMO.
The previous question, "what creature..." is possibly better answered by the
poem than by the reader.
The last question, however, reverberates back though the whole poem - and
offers other perspetives because of the word "heart" (I feel I know it's
about love and loss...).
Bob
>From: Sarah Willans <[log in to unmask]>
>Reply-To: The Pennine Poetry Works <[log in to unmask]>
>To: [log in to unmask]
>Subject: The Slowworm's tail - Christina and rewrite
>Date: Wed, 16 Jul 2003 09:46:34 +0100
>
>Thank you very much for your comments, Christina; that's really very
>helpful.
>
>I've cut quite a bit (though I haven't come up with a new title yet), and
>now it looks like this:
>
>(A title implying that 'she' has been dumped)
>The slowworm, in common with many other lizards, sometimes sheds its tail
>(which then wriggles convulsively as it dies) to avoid capture. It soon
>grows a new one.
>
>Walking the sunlit path alone
>she sees it: thrashing rhythmically-
>left, right, left, right - on the stony ground.
>
>Tapered tip, twisting over burnished bronze,
>brushes a stump of blood and bone - arcs away,
>to coil again in supple symmetry.
>The newly shed tail, eyeless and mute,
>discovers its own loss.
>
>For impossible minutes she watches,
>as it writhes through the dust, aware
>only that it is not whole.
>What creature cast it off to save itself?
>Which severed part suffers greater pain?
>Where does it find such energy,
>when its heart is gone?
>
>The questions are still there, but I thought that putting them in italics
>might make it clearer that they are those of the 'she' character, not the
>writer of the poem (since I'm posting in plain text, I can't do that here).
>Is that better, anyone?
>
>Sarah
>----- Original Message -----
>From: Christina Fletcher
>To: [log in to unmask]
>Sent: Tuesday, July 15, 2003 10:57 PM
>Subject: Re: New sub: The Slowworm's tail
>
>
>I think this is really good, Sarah. Above all, it's interesting and seems
>to have a powerful emotional content too. I'm pretty sure it would benefit
>by trimming back quite a lot and I'm sure you'll find what you want to cut
>out eventually. But it's essence is really strong and I'm sure that it'll
>be a powerful, original poem when you've sharpened it up.
>bw
>christina
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