Thank you very much for your comments, Christina; that's really very
helpful.

I've cut quite a bit (though I haven't come up with a new title yet), and
now it looks like this:

(A title implying that 'she' has been dumped)
The slowworm, in common with many other lizards, sometimes sheds its tail
(which then wriggles convulsively as it dies) to avoid capture. It soon
grows a new one.

Walking the sunlit path alone
she sees it: thrashing rhythmically-
left, right, left, right - on the stony ground.

Tapered tip, twisting over burnished bronze,
brushes a stump of blood and bone - arcs away,
to coil again in supple symmetry.
The newly shed tail, eyeless and mute,
discovers its own loss.

For impossible minutes she watches,
as it writhes through the dust, aware
only that it is not whole.
What creature cast it off to save itself?
Which severed part suffers greater pain?
Where does it find such energy,
when its heart is gone?

The questions are still there, but I thought that putting them in italics
might make it clearer that they are those of the 'she' character, not the
writer of the poem (since I'm posting in plain text, I can't do that here).
Is that better, anyone?

Sarah
----- Original Message -----
From: Christina Fletcher
To: [log in to unmask]
Sent: Tuesday, July 15, 2003 10:57 PM
Subject: Re: New sub: The Slowworm's tail


I think this is really good, Sarah.  Above all, it's interesting and seems
to have a powerful emotional content too.  I'm pretty sure it would benefit
by trimming back quite a lot and I'm sure you'll find what you want to cut
out eventually.  But it's essence is really strong and I'm sure that it'll
be a powerful, original poem when you've sharpened it up.
bw
christina