Hi James,
I'm enjoying reading this - but I agree with Frank about where it could
start (with the 2nd stanza!)...
And I also feel as if I'm saying the word "I" maybe too many times in the
same place! Could it be possible to rid the poem of all but one or two? Play
to make it flow as one sentence, perhaps, with an I at the start... But the
sentence may end up being too long, I admit! So let one or two back in - and
a full stop or two as well... And, if it get's to be impossible to rid the
poem of enough to hide the ones that are still there on the first lines -
then change the word ordering so they appear in the second lines (or not
always at the start of the stanza!).
In other words, I think the poem needs repetative elements (all poems rely
on some kind of repetition, I guess, and you've got triplets - so you're
repeating shapes anyway) but the repetition of "I" seems to come across too
strongly, IMHO.
I'm thinking like this because the stanza breaks, and the words like "see",
"tell" remember" and "recall" all show us the relfective process (and some
of those words are repeated, too!).
That the poem implies/infers that the rain AND the tide are needed to
obliterate the goose tracks is intruiging.
Bob


>From: James Bell <[log in to unmask]>
>Reply-To: The Pennine Poetry Works <[log in to unmask]>
>To: [log in to unmask]
>Subject: New sub: Tracks IN The Sand
>Date: Mon, 14 Jul 2003 12:22:06 +0000
>
>Another river poem.
>
>TRACKS IN THE SAND
>
>Today is always with me,
>all I can recall are the tracks
>of what has already gone.
>
>I can see that the river befor me
>is at its lowest ebb
>and poised for the incoming tide.
>
>I can tell the tide has been out a long time
>by the way goose tracks
>to and from the water.
>
>I can tell they arrived
>when the water was higher,
>and though I can't see them
>
>I am able to tell that some
>are at rest in the long grass
>beyond where their tracks head off.
>
>I recall sayings about building on sand
>and how it's just asking to be washed away,
>liike these tracks, with the next tide.
>
>I remember time measured by sand
>and can see in these tracks
>where the idea originated.
>
>Back indoors I see rain now pours
>in torrents outside where tracks in the sand
>will go before the tide later today
>
>
>
>
>bw
>James
>
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