Hi Ryfkah,
Just 2 points to mention.
I was looking for an indication of a pause in the line: 'of your body feel
for warmth'
In one of my pieces I'd be putting in a line break, or otherwise a comma -
neither seems applicable in this case, but I wanted a pause at that point.
The other point is in: 'surfeits with memories', which doesn't read well to
me. Something more like 'is surfeit with memories' sounds a little better to
me, though not quite right, either. Sorry can't be more help on that.
Cheers,
Frank
> Another New Day
>
> In the dead of dark
> when the moon looms
> like an overseeing eye
> I touch the empty indentation
> of your body feel for warmth
>
> Years ago you fled
> seeking independence
> a gazelle across the plain
> I wept until tears turned
> crimson and heaven wailed
>
> The white space I caress
> surfeits with memories
> flowers lavished for no occasion
> the surprise of a new recipe
> a precious gift over budget
>
> Nostalgia entombs all accusation
>
> Birds embark their carol
> another new day
>
> Ryfkah 7/11/03
>
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