Some powerful lines - and a dark brooding final stanza.
Which makes me wish to snip out some of the weaker lines or ask you to
rewrite them less abstractly
for example:
places they have been
do you need this, when you have 'the memory of steps' - a far richer version
of the same idea/
likewise
everything that masks
what I cannot tell.
is a bit like an etcetera. I'd rather you continued to point out those
evocative objects, presumably now redundant.
I wonder, also, if you could tie up the first line with the last by using
one of the many metaphors for learning that link up with eating, rather than
leave the title to do the work - you could be engrossed in your million
metaphors, perhaps??
The idea of being stuffed with emptiness is striking - good one.
Terri )O(
-----Original Message-----
From: The Pennine Poetry Works [mailto:[log in to unmask]]On
Behalf Of Sue Scalf
Sent: 02 July 2003 14:57
To: [log in to unmask]
Subject: new: Replete
Replete
I have learned
a million metaphors:
a hole in the sky
where there was a star
or just a tree gone
and wind blowing
where no branches are,
a voice I cannot hear,
an empty hand.
I know six pairs of shoes
fitted to his feet,
the memory of steps,
places they have been,
a walking cane that leans,
a pillow for his head,
the joke, the belly laugh,
everything that masks
what I cannot tell.
Communion wafers are thin
as moonlight;
wine galls the tongue.
Take this cup
and spill dark seeds
of blood upon the ground.
Having drunk my fill,
I cannot begin again.
Sue Scalf
|