Hi Sue,
Four quickish comments:
Howz about missing off the 1st stanza? I love the abruptness of the
statement: "No-one answers." It declares a strong poem without any preface.
Then, in the last stanza, how close do you think you are to Lil Ol Emily
(Dickinson)'s "Hope is a thing with feathers..."? (The whole poem has an
upstairs feel to it and I get the impression Em spent most of her life
upstairs, so I find myself wondering all kinds of things...)
Thirdly, "hatchet" sounds very rural, a competition judge who's more urban
might connect with a more contemporary/urban similie... and "night bird"
sounds "urban" cos I guess rural people may know the names of the types of
birds!
And fourthly: I like it!!!! (maybe I'm not just saying "been there, worn the
T-shirt - but it links in with what such times are like - I like the poem as
a poem as well!)
Bob
>From: Sue Scalf <[log in to unmask]>
>Reply-To: The Pennine Poetry Works <[log in to unmask]>
>To: [log in to unmask]
>Subject: new poem: Dark Night
>Date: Thu, 16 Jan 2003 11:06:08 EST
>
>I would appreciate your comments. I am working on this for the Insomnia
>contest which has the subject "Night."
>
>Dark Night
>
> In a real dark night of the soul it is always three o'clock in
>the
>morning..
> F. Scott Fitzgerald, "The Crack-Up" (1945)
>
>Night slips its noose around the heart.
>The mind snaps open, questions what?
>Shadows pool on the stairs.
>
>No one answers. Mirrors stare.
>A streetlight reveals a halo, stark,
>cold. Nothing stirs
>
>or lives or cares. Remember then
>the last cruel thing you said.
>Remember then your mother's face
>
>thin as a hatchet, the spirit fled.
>Stench of flowers, an organ's piety,
>pity for ourselves who shall come to this.
>
>Remember a kiss, revel in it,
>wet, warm as sun.
>Remember your lover, friend,
>
>taken from your side.
>Know the loss, suck it dry, a lemon
>on the tongue. Then close your eyes.
>
>A twig scratches, a night bird complains,
>a small hopeful thing,
>the first sign of dawn, a stir of wings.
>
>Sue Scalf
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