Hi Philip,
I'm still enjoying the smile I find when I read this - but, my two-pennorth
- as the poem goes on, I find the end line (nearly) rhyme sounds fading and
diminishing until they've gone altogether...
I, too, don't think the last stanza is much cop (I'd ditch it if this were
my poem!) And, again - if it were my poem - I'd wonder about this couplet:
"And for a day the world seems
>capable of being transparent."
which seems weakest in the poem... I think it's the word "seems" which
sounds maybe a tad wistful more than surreal...
Bob
>From: Philip Burton <[log in to unmask]>
>Reply-To: The Pennine Poetry Works <[log in to unmask]>
>To: [log in to unmask]
>Subject: new submission MOON DAY (third draft)
>Date: Sun, 12 Jan 2003 10:15:07 +0000
>
>MOON DAY
>
>
>One of those ambiguous days
>when the moon hangs out in the sun
>and Venus is lit by a festival bulb
>as you queue at the stop for town
>
>The full day moon is a shop-girl
>you’re shocked to see, on the bus,
>ghost through defensive walls
>like ice on a winter moustache
>
>The single ticket is pale and rich
>twice doubled with lilac shadow
>And cats’ eyes wink on the river
>and roads are marshmallow
>
>The moon, like a keeping sister
>grips your hand briefly in hers
>burns her grand face onto yours
>signing you off on your own
>
>And for a day the world seems
>capable of being transparent.
>And people even smile a little
>as if something mattered
>
>But, a repentant flea, the moon
>returns to her market stall
>And the terminus call is made
>and the plan of the day takes over
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
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