Thanks James, very helpful and incisive as always. "ghost" takes its use, as
a verb, from soccer, as in, "The striker ghosted through the defenders to
score..."
I've taken all your points. Here is the next draft....
MOON DAY
One of those ambiguous days
when the moon hangs out in the sun
and Venus is lit by a festival bulb
as you queue at the stop for town
The full day moon is a shop-girl
you’re shocked to see, from the bus,
ghost through defensive walls
like ice on a winter moustache
The single ticket is pale and rich
twice doubled with lilac shadow
Cats’ eyes wink on the river
The roads are blind with snow
The moon, like a keeping sister
grips your hand briefly in hers
burns her trim face onto yours
signing you off on your own
And for a day the world seems
freed from its old pigeon trap
People even smile a little
as if something mattered
But, repentant flea, the moon
returns to her market stall
The terminus call is made
The plan of the day takes over
Many thanks, Philip
>From: James Bell <[log in to unmask]>
>Reply-To: The Pennine Poetry Works <[log in to unmask]>
>To: [log in to unmask]
>Subject: Re: New submission: Moon Day
>Date: Thu, 16 Jan 2003 09:14:10 +0000
>
>Hi Philip,
>Late response on this one. I thought it quicker to make adjustments and
>comment in the text. Hope its of some help.
>
>
>
>bw
>James
>
>
>
>
>
>>From: Philip Burton <[log in to unmask]>
>>Reply-To: The Pennine Poetry Works <[log in to unmask]>
>>To: [log in to unmask]
>>Subject: New submission: Moon Day
>>Date: Fri, 10 Jan 2003 21:40:32 +0000
>>
>> Moon Day
>>
>>
>>One of those ambiguous days
>>when the moon hangs out in the sun,
>Venus is lit by a festival bulb (should this be festive?)
>>and aircraft by mallow trails (mallow as in vegetable? could there be a
>>better metaphor?)
>>
>>The midday moon is a shop-girl
>>you’re shocked to see on a bus (don't catch the link here from bus to
>>ghost)
>>ghost through defensive walls
>>like ice on a winter moustache
>>
>>The bus ticket is pale and rich
>>twice doubled with lilac shadow.
>>Cats’ eyes wink on the river
>>and each road is a road to follow
>>
>>The moon, like a keeping sister (like this)
>>grips your hand brief in her own
>>burns her grand face on yours
>>signing you off on your own
>>
>>Like a repentant flea, the moon
>>returns to her market stall
>>and the supermarket giant sun
>>the only star tomorrow
>>
>>(Only other comment is on the repeated "the's" at the start of stanzas,
>>could this be varied more.)
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
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