James, I see no reason not to post this poem. First off, it's honest and raw, a quality that some of us value very much. Poetry is not always about rainbows and butterflies. It's about insecurity, body image, rumination of a word, fear, and modernity too, themes of this poem.
I would categorize this as conversational style. So, it runs the risk of bordering on prosaic, but I think you probably have the poetic acumen to catch those points and pair them down.
One grammar nit: "if such constructions could read minds" would be technically correct.
My best,
Scott
--
--------- Original Message ---------
DATE: Sat, 28 Jun 2003 10:25:32
From: James Bell <[log in to unmask]>
To: [log in to unmask]
Cc:
>I was a little hestant to post this one, though I now have. It was to do
>with the subject matter though I'm sure you'd all accept that we can write
>poems about anything. I'd really like to know what people think on this one
>as it came very unexpected. I can't spell sibilance by the way.
>
>MATERIAL EVIDENCE
>
>Walk along the crowded road
>through the heaving market
>on my way to the river
>behind this guy who is built
>like a brick shithouse
>
>There is plenty of time
>to think why I should even
>consider how this phrase
>comes to mind while looking
>at his vast bulk
>and what an actual
>brick shithouse would look like
>
>I mean - why brick
>why not tin or pre-stressed concrete -
>and decide it must be
>the assonance and slight sybilance of
>brick shithouse
>who, by the way
>wears a t-shirt
>displaying a WWF wrestler in action
>and I start to wonder -
>as panic takes over
>when I decide to turn an unnecessary corner
>to at least see daylight again -
>if such constructions
>can read minds
>
>
>
>
>bw
>James
>
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