Thank you for your generous response, Scott. Both of the points you make
are entirely valid indeed some changes along the lines you suggest have been
made. Thanks Arthur.
----- Original Message -----
From: "Scott Smithson" <[log in to unmask]>
To: <[log in to unmask]>
Sent: Friday, June 27, 2003 3:49 PM
Subject: Re: New sub: The expulsion


I agree that the evocation of the expulsion from the Garden of Eden is the
strongest part of this poem.
It's a beautiful picture.  The juxt of "silent as sin" against the
"batallions...storm" (which are never silent) is quite enchanting.  I
compliment you on your crafting of the image.

A couple nits.

"they'll" seems so conversational, out of place in a poem with a somewhat
imperious tone "so I pronounce"  "bid them" etc.  Perhaps just "they
paraglide" or even "their batallions paraglide"...

the "leave" of "leave me to coax" - I feel when I read this that the
dandylions are doing the abandoning, as if to say, "I, a weed in your mind,
will leave you to coax the flowers from the soil."  You see, I love the
image of "coax" but perhaps a different description of the action of the
weeds.??  maybe?  Or, somehow make it clear that "Leave" might be an
imperative spoken from the narrator....

Scott


--

--------- Original Message ---------

DATE: Fri, 27 Jun 2003 11:19:06
From: arthur seeley <[log in to unmask]>
To: [log in to unmask]
Cc:

>The expulsion
>
>Dandelions were not intended here
>so I pronounce them 'Weed';
>wrench them out, expel them,
>bid them burn their bright discs
>in another place; leave me to coax
>petunias or dahlias out of this warm earth.
>
>Their tiny suns fold into a sleep, a change
>and come the first warm days
>a frail sphere, soft as web, will bloom,
>silent as sin and wind-borne,
>they'll paraglide in battalions
>to storm my tidy world.
>



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