Hi grasshopper,
There's some really fine pieces up for comment at the moment - but I feel
this is the finest! There's so much about it that works so well. "Resentment
rankles still" (I can almost hear the "Grrr" behind the words!) and "so
cruel to leave that sweet sestet unvoiced" (both 17th century in tone and
also plaintively timeless, and contemporary as well!) and then the simple
clear anger of "you lied"! (That straight statement hits so hard!)
Sometimes I stumble a little over the rhythm of the next line - "You did not
know the poem as you'd claimed." - but I think that's my accent and, more
precisely, how I pronounce the word "pome", (one syllable) "po-em" (almost
two syllables) and most times I find it sounds OK... (Iambics change
pronounciation sometimes, don't they just... I can remember some actor once
saying, when they'd been running through some Shakespeare, everyone in the
room, non-actors too, began stressing how they spoke in iambics, and making
comments in pentameters!)
And I also wonder if Death, with it's capital "D," may be too much for a
contemporary poem - but, without a lot of revising around the first time it
gets mentioned as such (because it could be a small case "d" the second time
without much change in significance), I can't offer any suggestions.
As for a title... how about being brazen, showing how important it is,
naming whoever it was - or using a Dickens-like made-up name that catches
how he/she was? Just a thought.
Bob
>From: grasshopper <[log in to unmask]>
>Reply-To: The Pennine Poetry Works <[log in to unmask]>
>To: [log in to unmask]
>Subject: Death abnd the Donkey (provisional title)
>Date: Fri, 20 Jun 2003 11:28:21 +0100
>
>Death and the Donkey (still haven't got the right title)
>
>
>'Donne's famous piece on Death? Well, naturally,
>I know it well, but think my copy's lost.
>Perhaps you'll lend me your anthology?'
>You briefcased it. Alas,Donne's sonnet crossed
>a page, and at the funeral, you rushed
>the octave, closed the book, pi-faced - so cruel
>to leave that sweet sestet unvoiced. I crushed
>the urge to cry out 'Finish it, you fool!'
>
>Resentment rankles still. She was denied
>the triumph of that close,and, unashamed,
>it seemed Death sniggered in my ear. You lied:
>You did not know the poem as you'd claimed.
>That night, alone, I read the verse aloud.
>Both Death and dolts lack reason to be proud.
>
> grasshopper
>
>(Here's a link to Donne's wonderful sonnet:
>http://www.sonnets.org/donne.htm#110 )
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