Thanks Bob -
I've received a huge variety of critique on this poem in a couple places.  People who read it seem to have a strong opinion about it.  It is a first draft, so I am very grateful for your technical nits.

"verily" is used because of its lexical hinge pin on the meaning "truth"   In my latest draft, I have re-worked that phrase to something different but with the same morpheme.  

I chose to disregard real sentence structure for the most part.  It's not necessary and would really distract.

"Like a Good Neighbor" is taken from a State Farm commecial, not Robert Frost.  I don't expect a board that's populated mostly by Brits (although not exclusively) to get those allusions.  However, I will seriously consider picking a different commercial.  

Does "from the tower I scoff" sound borrowed?  Huh - I'm going to have to search for that.  The tower is a TV tower here and I was quite fixated on that image.  Thank you for pointing that out.  I really appreciate critiques like yours.

Scott
--

--------- Original Message ---------

DATE: Fri, 20 Jun 2003 16:43:38
From: Bob Cooper <[log in to unmask]>
To: [log in to unmask]
Cc: 

>Hi Scott,
>An interesting read – the kind of piece that doesn’t let a line or image 
>stick out but lets me flow through the whole of it.
>My first thought, though, is about the shape of it… I find that the rhythm 
>is so powerful and I find myself wanting lines to be twice their length 
>(1&2, 2&3, etc.). It’s such a powerful rhythm:
>da dum-di-di dum-di-di, dum-di-di dum-di-di (line break) dum-di-di 
>dum-di-di, dum-di-di, dum!
>I’m wondering if it were formatted in such a pattern if the shape would 
>suggest strengths and weaknesses by itself… Strong rhythm is a real bully, 
>isn’t it just! (I guess advertising people know rhythm's like this, they 
>make so much money from it!).
>My second thought is the “like a good neighbour” reminded me of Robert Frost 
>(good walls make good neighbours) and I can’t get rid of that allusion no 
>matter how I read it! I may not see the allusion if the line were longer and 
>I had no line-break pause to highlight the link!
>The socialist heroes simile is intriguing me! I can’t yet work out its 
>significance but it just appears in the poem so dramatically I’m forced to 
>assume it really must have teeth! I keep trying to read it as a full 
>grammatical sentence, but I sometimes read it as a clause of some other 
>sentence. I can’t decide how it fits into the whole structure of the poem.
>Near the end the phrase “from the tower I scoff” sounds sort of borrowed, 
>and the word “verily” sounds a tad dodgy, too. You may be doing it on 
>purpose (!) but it sounds too poesy to me, particularly when linked to the 
>TV!
>I’d also say, because I feel there’s something more that can be said, that 
>the words “verily find from a tower I scoff” are where I’d be strongly 
>tempted to say something different, not just say the same sentiment in 
>different words. The sentence starts “My commercial is mine…” and I think, 
>“Wow, I’m going to enjoy this bit too!  – come on tell me something as 
>strong, if not stronger, than you’ve already said!” I then feel “I am dead 
>air when the TV is off.” is a canny last line – but I want to know something 
>else, something as bright and breezy and dramatic-sounding as the poem’s 
>given me as it’s flowed through, before I read the last bit!
>Bob
>
>
>
>
>>From: Scott Smithson <[log in to unmask]>
>>Reply-To: The Pennine Poetry Works <[log in to unmask]>
>>To: [log in to unmask]
>>Subject: New:  Age of Information
>>Date: Tue, 17 Jun 2003 22:22:17 -0700
>>
>>This is a first draft.
>>Honest constructive criticism is very welcome.
>>
>>Age of Information
>>
>>         What prose can compare to
>>         “like a good neighbor?”
>>     What verse would rhyme better
>>         than “be a pepper too?”
>>    If enjambment were potent then
>>         the world is in reach
>>   and I could become the man
>>         of my diction
>>         the man who could teach
>>         a stronger depiction
>>     lesser than weak
>>     more fertile than planted
>>  entirely fictive
>>        in real fit of pique.
>>  Like socialist heroes in red
>>    white and gold,
>>       arms like the Volga but
>>softer than sheath, a
>>  scythe or a knife, what’s real
>>  or depicted – a corner
>>     for cutting of tenuous
>>truths, tomorrow for telling
>>    but today for the mourner
>>or soldier, a captive
>>liar, cheater of words.
>>              My commercial is mine
>>I advertise nothing,
>>verily find
>>from a tower I scoff
>>   yet, I am dead air
>>when the TV is off.
>>
>>(C)Scott Smithson, June 17, 2003, Seattle
>>
>>
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