Hi Scott,
The main thing neede here is to rid the poem of yourself. You wallow a bit
before getting to the meat of the poem. So, medicine here is surgery. Start
the poem at "Like socialist heroes..." and finish the poem at and finish at
"cheater of words". Seems drastic, I know
bw
James
>From: Scott Smithson <[log in to unmask]>
>Reply-To: The Pennine Poetry Works <[log in to unmask]>
>To: [log in to unmask]
>Subject: New: Age of Information
>Date: Tue, 17 Jun 2003 22:22:17 -0700
>
>This is a first draft.
>Honest constructive criticism is very welcome.
>
>Age of Information
>
> What prose can compare to
> “like a good neighbor?”
> What verse would rhyme better
> than “be a pepper too?”
> If enjambment were potent then
> the world is in reach
> and I could become the man
> of my diction
> the man who could teach
> a stronger depiction
> lesser than weak
> more fertile than planted
> entirely fictive
> in real fit of pique.
> Like socialist heroes in red
> white and gold,
> arms like the Volga but
>softer than sheath, a
> scythe or a knife, what’s real
> or depicted – a corner
> for cutting of tenuous
>truths, tomorrow for telling
> but today for the mourner
>or soldier, a captive
>liar, cheater of words.
> My commercial is mine
>I advertise nothing,
>verily find
>from a tower I scoff
> yet, I am dead air
>when the TV is off.
>
>(C)Scott Smithson, June 17, 2003, Seattle
>
>
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