Hello Shah,
This is my favourite of the poems you´ve posted recently. There are some lovely phrases and images in here, especially lines 3-4, lines 9-10 and lines 13-14. The only thing that put me off a little was the awkwardness of the rhythm in a few places and some of the dropped articles. I think the changes that Sue proposed would help to overcome some of those small niggles.
Best wishes, Mike
--- Alkuperäinen viesti ---
First Encounter
She was short of breath
from climbing steep hillock;
sweat added lustre
to her flushed face.
Attractions were too many
for him to paint in one stroke:
dangling tuft of silky hair
and slimness of waist
losing their curvature
in straightness of neck.
The canvas still holds true
but remains half painted,
for colour dried fast that day
in the warmth of their embrace.
--
c s shah
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