This is quite a well-done piece from a technical point-of-view. Aside from the anachronistic "hillock", which I think actually works fine in this piece, the lexical choices you have made are very modern and smooth. You choice of line break at the end of prep phrases like "to her ... face" "in one stroke" "of neck" "of . . . embrace" lends a symmetry to the poem that is quite engaging. This type of style is what makes a love poem like this non-schlocky but vivid and powerful. My compliments.
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--------- Original Message ---------
DATE: Tue, 17 Jun 2003 21:45:44
From: c s shah <[log in to unmask]>
To: [log in to unmask]
Cc:
>First Encounter
>
>She was short of breath
>from climbing steep hillock;
>sweat added lustre
>to her flushed face.
>
>Attractions were too many
>for him to paint in one stroke:
>dangling tuft of silky hair
>and slimness of waist
>losing their curvature
>in straightness of neck.
>
>The canvas still holds true
>but remains half painted,
>for colour dried fast that day
>in the warmth of their embrace.
>--
>
>c s shah
>
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