Hi grasshopper,
What great poems we're getting posted at the moment - and this is one of
them! It's a cracker!!!
I've been thinking hard about the way it starts, I somehow feel that 3 lines
is too long for the question. I've also been thinking that it wasn't "Christ
the artisan" but "Jesus the artisan" or, more accurately, "Jesus the
carpenter's son" (cos it's never claimed he worked as one himself! - but he
could have done!). The appellation "Christ" comes later. In those lines the
word "unmarked" is also almost unneeded. I guess I'm making a case out for
tightening up the phrasing. Get almost as much energy, tight phrasing, in
the first part as you put into the second part.
I'm also wondering if the equation of sex and sinfullness isn't too mild:
"did he feel ONCE..." (Did he once feel, seems less specific for instance -
less stress on the word "once" - but I'd wonder if his humanity could mean
there would be more than one testosterone surge!). (H'm, sex & sin... how
easy it is to link them!)
I like the question marks! How the poem involves the reader by asking
questions.
But I also wonder about the title? I sort of feel it's just a tad too
disconnected from the poem. I feel it does need a title that's as
enigmatic/powerful as this one is -- but, if it were mine, I'd be looking
for something else...
Bob
>From: grasshopper <[log in to unmask]>
>Reply-To: The Pennine Poetry Works <[log in to unmask]>
>To: [log in to unmask]
>Subject: New sub: Carnival (Warning-could cause offence)
>Date: Wed, 11 Jun 2003 10:22:59 +0100
>
>Warning- there's a slight possibility that this could cause offence on
>religious grounds, so please scroll down only if you're prepared for that.
>
>V
>V
>V
>V
>V
>V
>V
>V
>
>
> Carnival
>
>
>Through unmarked years of tables, chairs and chests,
>did Christ the artisan live hormone-less
>and haunt his body like a distant guest?
>Or was he raised at dawn by lust, to guess,
>when harlots brushed by in their drunkenness,
>what painted lips and ready throats expressed?
>Did he feel once the prick of sinfulness,
>and touching hot temptation, whisper Yes?
>
>And did the Devil set no fiercer test
>when Jesus wandered in the wilderness?
>What truths did wolf and jackal tongues confess,
>and did he raise his splintered hands to bless
>torn ewes, the eagle with her bloodied breast?
>Who taught him that long howl of tendered flesh?
>
> grasshopper
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