Hi Philip,
Late response on this one. I thought it quicker to make adjustments  and 
comment in the text. Hope its of some help.



bw
James





>From: Philip Burton <[log in to unmask]>
>Reply-To: The Pennine Poetry Works <[log in to unmask]>
>To: [log in to unmask]
>Subject: New submission: Moon Day
>Date: Fri, 10 Jan 2003 21:40:32 +0000
>
>         Moon Day
>
>
>One of  those ambiguous days
>when the moon hangs out in the sun,
Venus is lit by a festival bulb (should this be festive?)
>and aircraft by mallow trails (mallow as in vegetable? could there be a 
>better metaphor?)
>
>The midday moon is a shop-girl
>you’re shocked to see on a bus (don't catch the link here from bus to 
>ghost)
>ghost through defensive walls
>like ice on a winter moustache
>
>The bus ticket is pale and rich
>twice doubled with lilac shadow.
>Cats’ eyes wink on the river
>and each road is a road to follow
>
>The moon, like a keeping sister (like this)
>grips your hand brief in her own
>burns her grand face on yours
>signing you off on your own
>
>Like a repentant flea, the moon
>returns to her market stall
>and the supermarket giant sun
>the only star tomorrow
>
>(Only other comment is on the repeated "the's" at the start of stanzas, 
>could this be varied more.)
>
>
>
>
>
>
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