Hi, James

This piece has some interesting qualities that give it the foundation for a successful experiment.

FORM:  The indents should be used for two reasons.  One would be to emphasize a theme.  The other to create a visual effect.  As nearly as I can tell, there is no unifying theme or reason for special emphasis for the indented lines.  What I do discern, however, is a visual arc, not unlike the shape of the Earth, in the first stanza, leading past the pause into the second.  I'd work with that theme as it fits well into both the title's concept of "eye" and is relevant to the theme of geologic history of the Earth.  You almost drop the technique in the middle and then start almost to indent randomly in the third stanza.  I look for patterns, either visual or thematic, in indentation.  Since this does not strike me as a poem apropos of a Jackson Pollock style of randomness, but a poem with a concrete theme, I would recommend structuring the indents with a more thematic approach.  Create an eye or the profile of the planet Earth (or both - as they are the same shape).

Words:

First, I think you mean "the eye watches".  The sentence "for what is sure is" has too many "is"'s.  I think it's just a typo.

Second - I would recommend taking a look at your use of words like "as" (for example "as trilobytes" might work better as simply "trilobytes").   The poem is a bit prosaic where it might benefit from some simplification, especially in light of the indentation form you have chosen.

In the same vein, you might try using more active forms of verbs than the ubiquitous -ing's.  For example "Ice reflecting" might be more powerful as "ice reflects light . . .", with the concomitant placement of punctuation, etc etc.  Again, also the eyes luminescing, etc etc etc distracted me.  Try different, active, dynamic forms of the verb besides present participles.  You might like how it impact the feel of your work.

Also, the use of a colloquial conversational tone here seems a bit out of place given the timbre of the rest of the poem.  Examples are  "a couple billion years" and "ice so thick".  Maybe think about how you should word these lines.  Again, this is all a matter of preference.  It is, after all, your poem.  However, I would recommend that you play with these lines.

Lastly, theme:

The eyes:  are they the trilobyte's?    Did they even have eyes? (not that this is relevant)  Are they the eyes of God?  It would make more sense since life could be created in the blink of the eye of God.  Are they both?  If so, work with the theme and make it more central to the poem.  And, in the case of God, would He need specifically to understand the rise of "costume drama"?  Perhaps a bit a playing around with the words in the end here to create a more definite ambiguity regarding whose eyes and what they're watching would be in order.  (only a poet would use the phrase "definite ambiguity" - LOL)

The poem has an awesome theme.  It also has some great placement ideas.  I very much look forward to a future revision.

Thanks for the good read, Scott.




--

--------- Original Message ---------

DATE: Sat, 7 Jun 2003 09:35:38
From: James Bell <[log in to unmask]>
To: [log in to unmask]
Cc:

>
>IN THE BLINK OF AN EYE
>
>--
>Then after new seabeds were laid down
>with slime
>              life began to squirm
>as trillobytes
>                 after a couple of billion years
>
>If human life seems insignificant
>                 by comparison
>a human mind can still explain the whole
>                 span
>when we get down to millions
>
>After a super ice age some
>       hundred and fifty million years long
>positivefeedback from both poles
>ice reflecting light from ice so thick
>volcanoes were the only vent to warm
>       the air of this earth again
>a hundred thousand centuries later
>
>and all the while
>        the eyes watches
>                                 irridescing
>luminescing
>                looking at what other creatures
>reveal or conceal
>                for what is sure is subterfuge
>came early
>even from the eyes of a trillobite
>                            as deep time transformed
>                                  into history
>and the eyes strive
>                           to understand
>what began
>before the intrigues of costume drama
>
>
>
>bw
>James
>
>_________________________________________________________________
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