Dear Tony,
Oh dear,-chestnut alert- for me, this is an example of too much telling
instead of showing.
I assume the boy experienced a serious sexual assault in 1953 which he's
only just been able to reveal during counselling/therapy?
I don't think the lack of punctuation adds anything to it. The style seems a
little rough to me. I offer a few suggestions below-apologies if they're of
no help.
Kind regards,
grasshopper
----- Original Message -----
From: Tony Hillier
Sent: Wednesday, January 15, 2003 9:33 AM
Subject: [THE-WORKS] new sub: wordpower - (second version)
(Tony's original version below)
wordpower
In 1953 the little boy had no one to go home to
(In 1953 the child had no one at home)
to tell of his trauma.
A mum and dad (His parents) were there, but not for him,
surviving themselves in a (cruel-kind - I'd re-think this) world.
His stiff upper lip grew. (Stiff upper lip is very cliche- alternative? eg
his mouth grew stiff.)
He took the little beatings from bullies
that hurt his pride big time (big time- dated slang-alternative?)
Little beatings lasted fifty years.
needs not met (does this follow on smoothly enough from the beatings?-how
about 50 years of silence or similar?)
story now told
upper lip trembles
(The story now told,
his upper lip trembles.)
Job done.
wordpower
In 1953 the little boy had no one to go home to
to tell of his trauma
A mum and dad were there, but not for him
surviving themselves in a cruel-kind world
So grew his stiff upper lip
He took the little beating from the bigger bullies
that hurt his pride big time
Little beating lasted fifty years
needs not met
story now told
upper lip trembles
Job done
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