Dear Barbara,
I think this is a very powerful poem, which conveys a lot of emotion in a
few words.
I think you could tighten it up even more by omitting the repeat of 'I
should be', and I think in S2 the linebreak would come better after 'seeps'
as I think the two word line gives 'the worm' unnecessary emphasis.
Personally, I don't feel it's improved by the lack of punctuation, but
that's just a personal preference.
Kind regards,
grasshopper
----- Original Message -----
From: Barbara Ostrander
To: [log in to unmask]
Sent: Saturday, May 31, 2003 3:36 PM
Subject: [THE-WORKS] new sub: chemo
Chemo
it never hits with the flash and thunder of a storm
doesn't sweep away in a raging flood
maybe that's why I forget to run
why I allow such damage in the end
no, it's more like the gentle relentless rains
the steady flow that seeps and drowns
the worm
leaves it stretched across the sidewalk
for the birds to pluck away
I should be glad that it's working
I should be
but somehow when I pass a mirror
and see the swollen marked terrain
I want to cry
enough
BBO
5/30/01
|