Dear Ann,
Apologies - I almost missed your question. Yes, I missed the 'miss-this'
rhyme and I think (though it's only my opinion) that an internal rhyme needs
a stronger stress in order to work, particularly as the preceding lines set
up the expectation for another end-rhymed couplet.
You could signal the rhyme with a line break:
Shh! hear, St. Michael's clock is chiming five
and we the only two alive
breathe the beauty others miss.
Oh! I remember this
small paradise.
but I think it reveals that that it's not a natural stress.
Kind regards.
grasshopper
From: V. W.
Sent: Monday, January 13, 2003 5:35 PM
Subject: Re: [THE-WORKS] New Sub: Walking with small ghosts
Dear Grasshopper,
thanks for the crit. Yes, to the fist two suggestions and how about
'Hear St. Michael's chiming five,' in the light of Sue's comment? In the
last two lines the rhyme is 'miss' and 'this' as I thought it made 'small
paradise' seem more poignant. Have I hit another no no? or does it just not
work well? regards Ann
|