Hello Christina,
I like this very much. I like the way you develop the narrative, the details you select and the final image of grey gum stuck in the pile of the carpet sums up the mood perfectly. A couple of points that jarred slightly for me might be worth looking at: in line 5 the unusual construction of `his against her thigh´ seemed awkward to me and unnecessary. Why not `his thigh against hers´? I wonder a bit about your line break at the end of line 10 which splits `action replay´. Would those words be better kept together? I felt a bit of a jolt at the end of line 5 and line 6 when you changed from using a third person narrative to the imperative form, as if suddenly the voice in the poem is addressing the `he´ directly. I might be exaggerating this. The phrase `Get off at her stop, make conversation´ could be the man´s thoughts. Putting the phrase in italics might help convey that, if you want it. There´s a similar shift at the end of the poem where `he´ll....watch for splats of gum´ moves to `your carpet....you´ll never shift it´. Again italics might be a way of putting these comments into the mind of the man. Or maybe I´m just being too picky because I´m trying to read it like a critic. If you disagree with these points then ignore them.
Best wishes, mike
--- Alkuperäinen viesti ---
The Speed of It
Something like silk shifts when she moves,
opens her bag to check her purse, her face
in a small mirror. A slight smile when he catches
her eye, the steam of his breath as he leans
his against her thigh when the driver jerks. Get off
at her stop, make conversation. Coffee? He's time
to walk her home, fumble a kiss: the first since
god knows... fcuk anti-perspirant, sex and
they'll be down the aisle, 36D satin, inevitable
fights, alienation, the whole half-hearted action
replay hassle... so he'll miss this time and watch
for splats of grey gum on the pavement. Step on it,
walk it home, tread it into the pile of your carpet
and it's stuck. You'll never shift it.
christina fletcher
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