Hi Gary! I think the new closing pair of lines is a huge improvement. I
still trip on "whipped cream, / memories of ..." because my mind permits
the possibility that "I taste" can cover "memories". So I have to
double-check the structure of the sentence. Also, there are many foods
to keep track of, that have to "flood back" to my mind's eye. You could
probably zap a food or two. Incidentally a solution to the "memories"
point suggests itself to me: your structure in S1.1, S2.1, and S3.1 is
"When I <verb etc.>, I <verb>." Why not have the same structure in S4.1?
"When I taste hot whipped chocolate, I recall". That might look like I'm
supportive of the "When I" pattern, and ideally I'm not really, but if
you're going to keep it, and accustom the reader to that pattern, you
could have it do a little more work. Anyway, last two lines a big
improvement. If there's a problem with the new draft, it is that an oil
slick doesn't really flood. But the way oil permeates can remind me of
the way odors can behave, so if you want to take that on board I think
you can find a way to keep the bulk of the last two lines that you've
come up with here. I do wish it weren't so much food though. Maybe you
could have some other life-closing angsty things in S4, and still get
back to a briefer food mention that percolates like an oil slick from a
rotting Ford.

I hope my ramblings are of some use. If not, leave 'em to rot on the
beach!

Carl
============

When I smell onions, I remember...

When I see your new scarlet dress, I think...

When I hear a train whistle, I'm taken back...

When I taste hot chocolate laced with whipped cream,
memories of peanut butter sandwiches, wild strawberries,
root beer Kool Aid, burnt hot dogs and marshmallows
flood back like an oil slick from another old Ford
left to rot among the kelp on South Beach.