Hello Frank,
            Thanks for your comments, I´ll consider them carefully. Some others have wondered about the repetitions in S1 so I´ll have to look at them again.


Best wishes,   Mike




--- Alkuperäinen viesti ---
Hi Mike,



I might be coming klate on this - apologies if it's already been said. A
couple of nits that stood out to me.

there it ran smooth and deep.
In places it ran underground
as an underground spring might feed a well

the above passage has 2 'it ran's and 2 'undergrounds in it - wondered if
that might be modfied?

'There was no battle, no tears, yet she was hurt.'


Wondered if the above could be rephrased without the 'there was' at the
start?

'finally a form of trust.'

Wondered if 'a form of' was necessary? Might need re-phrasing to make that
work, though.

In the last stanza, I kept harking to a beginning with 'Where there had been
...' maybe irrelevant, though.

Good content and will work up well I think - these are just a few stray
thoughts.

Frank



> Desire
>
> Their desire flowed like a stream;
> here the surface rippled and splashed,
> refracting sunlight,
> there it ran smooth and deep.
> In places it ran underground
> as an underground spring might feed a well
> or chill the air with a dampness like fear.
>
> He stood on the bankside,
> dipped bare feet in the flow
> but slaked his thirst from furtive buckets.
> There was no battle, no tears, yet she was hurt.
> She spoke Janus words, turning in the doorway
> like a stream turned from its course,
> and observed him, puzzled, dowsing.
>
> He knew something was lacking.
> Later he called it confidence,
> finally a form of trust.
>
> There had been a desire, fear, a lack;
> the scrape of furniture, click of a lock,
> a key alone on the table.
>
>
>
>
> Mike
>