Hi Christina,
Ah, rhythm! Even though there's been (sometimes complex, often dry, and
difficult) books written about it I guess all I feel I need to know is that
speech, and writing, and poems, all use words with rhythm embedded in them.
(The difficulty is trying to explain that - trying to differentiate between
how words, and phrases, and poetry lines, sound different).
With the last line - with "very, very" added - I guess I'm thinking more
about the sound than the sense! If you don't like the sense then it's a
sound-gap that might need filling with something else.
I can remember once glancing at a TS Eliot text where he'd left
gaps-with-**'s where he knew he needed extra words - but couldn't get them
in his initial draft. But your appreciation of how the words sound may be
different to mine!
I also find, when I'm scribbling/typing a first draft (where everything's
got to flow - though lot's can be changed, and lots of things are changed!)
that if there's someone talking (if there's not total SILENCE!) I lose it.
But that might just be me - cos I know of others who can work with all sorts
happening around them!
When I'm revising, and I've got a new draft, I often have to try and take it
by surprise. Sneak up on it with an empty head and read it aloud and see if
I stumble, if I say things differently to how I've written them, and that's
how I probably recognise if the poem's rhythm is working OK.
Does this make sense?
Bob






>From: Christina Fletcher <[log in to unmask]>
>Reply-To: The Pennine Poetry Works <[log in to unmask]>
>To: [log in to unmask]
>Subject: Re: New sub: On My Knees (Bob)
>Date: Sun, 4 May 2003 17:22:45 EDT
>
>Thanks, Bob.  This rhythm business is probably due to my lack of skill:  I
>still find it terribly difficult to work out how to  make the sounds in my
>head work on paper/the monitor.  This probably sounds daft, but it's only
>in
>the last year or so that I've realised that poetry has anything to do with
>sound.  I feel like someone who needs to learn how to think in terms of
>music
>and then learn to write so that it's clear.  When I look at your suggestion
>my immediate response is to worry about the very, very.  The reason is that
>I
>want to suggest that the very small thing that crawls could be a child or
>the
>person on his/her knees.  What I wonder is, if the smallness is over
>emphasised, will the reader be more inclined to think that the line refers
>to
>an ant?  Very tricky.  Certainly, I like what you've suggested and I like
>the
>two short lines working together in the whole.  Do you think it would work
>if
>the last line just had one very?
>bw
>c
>
>
> > I'm also thinking of the last stanza... and subtle changes... cos I find
>the
> > rhythm doesn't work too well for me...
> > How about:
> > "until it's all so spick and span you can eat anything that falls
> > fearlessly, knowing all's safe and well
> >
> > unless you're a germ
> > or something very, very, small that crawls."
> >
> > I know that leaves only two short lines in the piece - but they're each
> > powerful lines that can stand with their different look by themselves.
> > Bob
>
>


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