Hello Ryfkah,
I think that this is a poem where I can follow your words, even if they perhaps mean something different to me than for you. One word I would query, though, is `severs´ in `the sea severs´. The sound is nice but what does it convey? I can´t imagine the sea actually cuts anything. I wondered whether you wanted me to picture the dawn horizon as a cut, a severing of night and day, but then it would be the horizon that severs, not the sea. Or am I being too literal? Alternatively, your intention might be the sea parts, a biblical image of passage, but then `sever´ is the wrong verb. Also, `angels cleave´ seems a bit overworked for what I take to be a break in the clouds. But at least I felt able to make an `intelligent´ comment at last on one of your poems.
Best wishes, Mike
--- Alkuperäinen viesti ---
MindWorks
the storm like a conga's
cadence on the roof
sleep hours fetch
no dreams no answers
just the occasional
stirring to timbales
angels cleave the heavens
the sea severs
morning becomes
the sun stands still
Ryfkah 5/3/03
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