Dear James,
 This one is quite working for me at present. I think you have to bring some
of the images into the poem into sharper focus. Specicific points below.



No explanations on this piece. See what you think.

AHAB

Soon his steady
ivory stride was heard
( If this is a reference to his having a peg-leg made of ivory, I don't
think it's clear enough. I also wonder how steady a stride a one-legged man
would have walking the decks of a ship at sea)
as to and fro he paced his old rounds
(actually I think you'd pace old rounds round and round rather than to and
fro)
upon planks so familiar to his tread
('familiar' is redundant, I think-already implied by 'old rounds')
that they were all over dented -
(dented all over?)
geological stones
(I'm not sure what you mean by geological stones, as I would think any
stones could be described as 'geological' or how planks can be compared to
stones.Are you comparing the dents made in the planks to something like
dinosaur footprints left on stone? If so, I think it needs that focussing I
mentioned)
with the peculiar mark of his walk.
(perhaps a more specific description than 'peculiar' would be better?)

Did you fixedly gaze too
(Who is the 'you' here? Isn't 'fixedly' implied by gaze?)
upon that ribbed and dented brow?
(not sure about a brow being dented ,unless he's had smallpox or severe
acne)
There also
you would see still strange footprints -
(What does the 'still' mean here? Is is a typo for 'still stranger'?)
the footprints of his own unsleeping
(I'm not keen on the repetition of 'footprints, and, in fact, I think
another word suggesting marks would be better -just have the 'foot' part
implied by the 'pacing'in the last line.)
ever pacing thought.


bw
James