hello arlene,
nice to see you here!
i enjoyed reading and rereading this poem, but do have a few suggestions
below, along with some comments.
> An Encounter with Echidne
>
>
> She was wingless angel ***somehow i would like to see an "a" or "this" or
some such here before "wingless"***
> behind clouds of trees.
> Heaven was an arm's length away,
> but my father's hand
> stayed me like devil's leash.
>
> He dragged me out the woods
> while I slapped his deaf ears
> with pleas, brought me *** love "slapped his deaf ears with pleas", the
image and the sound of the line! ***
> back to a brick cage *** like "back - brick***
> he called our house,
>
> taught me to say
> that my real mother
> was that pale goblin in the kitchen *** yes!***
> baking my favorite pie
> as it had always done for ten years. *** somehow "it" still jars after
re-reading it several times ... but i guess it is correct ...***
>
> That night her voice called
> sweetly through my haze of sleep,
> unbarred the window with
> chartreuse breath enough *** while i like "chartreuse breath" i doubt it
would be used by a teenager? ***
> to allow me back into her woods.
>
> "Welcome, my child."
> Her smile was home, the fangs that
> glittered in moonlight were warm hearth.
> Her embrace of arms and serpent
> tail was bed where blithely I slept. ***too many forms of "to be" here in
this last stanza, IMO. i like what you say, but i find it doesn't flow as
nicely as the rest; esp the last sentence; "a bed"? "where, blithely, I
slept"?
you'll know best, of course. :)
best,
michi
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