Michi,

Nicely put. For some odd reason I just re-read the first part of my original
comment, though I don't usually do this. I see the word "apnoeic" sticking
out like a sore thumb. My intent was "unpoetic" and I must have been too
quick with the spell-checker, weeding out the usual typos. No intent to
imply that either of us have breathing difficulties. Given the content of
the poem, this would indeed be a macabre comment.


Colin


----- Original Message -----
From: "michaela a. gabriel" <[log in to unmask]>
To: <[log in to unmask]>
Sent: Thursday, May 01, 2003 11:10 AM
Subject: Re: New sub: Virginia / colin


> hi colin,
>
> thanks for your comments, i appreciate them.
>
> someone else, on a different board, has mentioned "sullen" - and i am not
> happy with it either. i did not use "sombre" because it is over-used, as
you
> point out, and it is not exactly what i wanted to say. i'll have to think
> about a suitable word some more.
>
> good point about river/stream. i might get rid of "river-bound".
>
> i don't think i will make any changes to stanza 4, as it relates to so
many
> things that woolf said / that are closely connected with her.
>
> "innocent": it was early spring when woolf killed herself. but it might
not
> be the final choice.
>
> some seem to have difficulties with "danses macabres" - perhaps i should
> settle for "dance of death"? i'll ponder this.
>
> thanks again,
>
> michi
>
>
> > Michi,
> >
> > A moving piece. I like the way the poem develops. The sounds in S1 are
> > strong. e.g. stones and chosen. Not so sure about "sullen" oak. It's not
> > that an oak could not be "sullen" . Nothing so apnoeic but whether it
fits
> > the mood of the poem. Sombre might be an option were it not over-used.
Or
> > another adjective?
> >
> > For S2 suggest: "They will go down with you, smooth and heavy and cool
as
> > winter. They have the texture of death, in pinafore pockets are carried
to
> > water." (Line breaks still to go in). Not such a good idea to refer to
> river
> > and stream in the same poem. For most people they are different in their
> > connotations.
> >
> > For S3 "Weightlessness is a dream as you drag your body step by step
> across
> > the shallow stream."
> >
> > S4 is the weakest in the poem IMHO. It's not bad. It is just less good
> than
> > the others. Perhaps it could be compressed to: "Looking life in the face
> you
> > no longer envy the living among the living dead." (Looking life in the
> face
> > is probably too hackneyed. Something more interesting than this.)
> >
> > In S5, I like "Your silhouette eclipses an innocent sun" , but even so I
> > wonder at the choice of adjective. It sounds good but innocent is not a
> word
> > readily affiliated to sun (at least not in my mind). I guess the sun
feels
> > powerful and bright. Then again the sun has origins before those of the
> > Earth and all its corruptions in most cosmologies. BTW "then is not a
> > conjunction". I add this in the knowledge that my own poetry is replete
> with
> > little errors. I am always happy to have them pointed out and hope the
> same
> > is true for you.
> >
> > How about: "One shoe slips off. One shoe chooses to float while you sink
> to
> > a room of your own, with flowers, that do not know the light." It is not
> > that I don't understand how "danses macabres" fits into the poem. It's
> just
> > that I feel a bit derailed after the elegant simplicity of the preceding
> > poem and if I translate it to "macabre dance" that sounds too fanciful.
I
> > think one of the many strengths of this poem is its simplicity. Another
is
> > the sense of inevitability.
> >
> > You will know as well as me that these changes are not improvements but
> > suggestions for further work. One irony is that I have pruned your poem
> when
> > my own work is so often verbose. I am not against saying the same thing
in
> > different ways in a poem.
> >
> > BW
> >
> >
> > Colin
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > ----- Original Message -----
> > From: "michaela a. gabriel" <[log in to unmask]>
> > To: <[log in to unmask]>
> > Sent: Sunday, April 27, 2003 10:25 PM
> > Subject: New sub: Virginia
> >
> >
> > > christina told me there was a problem with my sub ... so i am trying
> > again.
> > > after a long time, i am finally posting something here on the
> mailinglist
> > > ... any comments appreciated.
> > >
> > > michi
> > >
> > > ***
> > >
> > > Virginia
> > >
> > > One stone, two stones, three stones,
> > > chosen like lovers, each caressed
> > > beneath a sullen oak.
> > >
> > > They will go down with you,
> > > smooth and heavy, and cool
> > > as winter cheeks.
> > > This is the texture of death,
> > > the threat of your extinction
> > > carried in pinafore pockets,
> > > river-bound.
> > >
> > > Weightlessness is a dream,
> > > a promise for the aftermath,
> > > as you drag your body
> > > halfway across a shallow stream,
> > > step by deliberate step.
> > >
> > > You look life in the face,
> > > no longer envy those
> > > who never had to strangle
> > > voices in the dark,
> > > who do not fear the hours.
> > >
> > > This is it. Your silhouette eclipses
> > > an innocent sun, then you're gone.
> > > One shoe slips off, one shoe
> > > choosing to float while you sink
> > > to a room of your own,
> > > a bed complete with flowers
> > > ignorant of light, masters
> > > of danses macabres.
> > >
> > > The river is silent, Virginia,
> > > always.
> > >
> > >
> > > mag03
> > >
> > >
> > > michaela a. gabriel
> > > http://www.geocities.com/lillith1971
> > > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> > > "deeds cannot dream what dreams can do" --
> > > e. e. cummings
> > >
> >
>