hi colin,
thanks for your comments, i appreciate them.
someone else, on a different board, has mentioned "sullen" - and i am not
happy with it either. i did not use "sombre" because it is over-used, as you
point out, and it is not exactly what i wanted to say. i'll have to think
about a suitable word some more.
good point about river/stream. i might get rid of "river-bound".
i don't think i will make any changes to stanza 4, as it relates to so many
things that woolf said / that are closely connected with her.
"innocent": it was early spring when woolf killed herself. but it might not
be the final choice.
some seem to have difficulties with "danses macabres" - perhaps i should
settle for "dance of death"? i'll ponder this.
thanks again,
michi
> Michi,
>
> A moving piece. I like the way the poem develops. The sounds in S1 are
> strong. e.g. stones and chosen. Not so sure about "sullen" oak. It's not
> that an oak could not be "sullen" . Nothing so apnoeic but whether it fits
> the mood of the poem. Sombre might be an option were it not over-used. Or
> another adjective?
>
> For S2 suggest: "They will go down with you, smooth and heavy and cool as
> winter. They have the texture of death, in pinafore pockets are carried to
> water." (Line breaks still to go in). Not such a good idea to refer to
river
> and stream in the same poem. For most people they are different in their
> connotations.
>
> For S3 "Weightlessness is a dream as you drag your body step by step
across
> the shallow stream."
>
> S4 is the weakest in the poem IMHO. It's not bad. It is just less good
than
> the others. Perhaps it could be compressed to: "Looking life in the face
you
> no longer envy the living among the living dead." (Looking life in the
face
> is probably too hackneyed. Something more interesting than this.)
>
> In S5, I like "Your silhouette eclipses an innocent sun" , but even so I
> wonder at the choice of adjective. It sounds good but innocent is not a
word
> readily affiliated to sun (at least not in my mind). I guess the sun feels
> powerful and bright. Then again the sun has origins before those of the
> Earth and all its corruptions in most cosmologies. BTW "then is not a
> conjunction". I add this in the knowledge that my own poetry is replete
with
> little errors. I am always happy to have them pointed out and hope the
same
> is true for you.
>
> How about: "One shoe slips off. One shoe chooses to float while you sink
to
> a room of your own, with flowers, that do not know the light." It is not
> that I don't understand how "danses macabres" fits into the poem. It's
just
> that I feel a bit derailed after the elegant simplicity of the preceding
> poem and if I translate it to "macabre dance" that sounds too fanciful. I
> think one of the many strengths of this poem is its simplicity. Another is
> the sense of inevitability.
>
> You will know as well as me that these changes are not improvements but
> suggestions for further work. One irony is that I have pruned your poem
when
> my own work is so often verbose. I am not against saying the same thing in
> different ways in a poem.
>
> BW
>
>
> Colin
>
>
>
>
> ----- Original Message -----
> From: "michaela a. gabriel" <[log in to unmask]>
> To: <[log in to unmask]>
> Sent: Sunday, April 27, 2003 10:25 PM
> Subject: New sub: Virginia
>
>
> > christina told me there was a problem with my sub ... so i am trying
> again.
> > after a long time, i am finally posting something here on the
mailinglist
> > ... any comments appreciated.
> >
> > michi
> >
> > ***
> >
> > Virginia
> >
> > One stone, two stones, three stones,
> > chosen like lovers, each caressed
> > beneath a sullen oak.
> >
> > They will go down with you,
> > smooth and heavy, and cool
> > as winter cheeks.
> > This is the texture of death,
> > the threat of your extinction
> > carried in pinafore pockets,
> > river-bound.
> >
> > Weightlessness is a dream,
> > a promise for the aftermath,
> > as you drag your body
> > halfway across a shallow stream,
> > step by deliberate step.
> >
> > You look life in the face,
> > no longer envy those
> > who never had to strangle
> > voices in the dark,
> > who do not fear the hours.
> >
> > This is it. Your silhouette eclipses
> > an innocent sun, then you're gone.
> > One shoe slips off, one shoe
> > choosing to float while you sink
> > to a room of your own,
> > a bed complete with flowers
> > ignorant of light, masters
> > of danses macabres.
> >
> > The river is silent, Virginia,
> > always.
> >
> >
> > mag03
> >
> >
> > michaela a. gabriel
> > http://www.geocities.com/lillith1971
> > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> > "deeds cannot dream what dreams can do" --
> > e. e. cummings
> >
>
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