Michi,

A moving piece. I like the way the poem develops. The sounds in S1 are
strong. e.g. stones and chosen. Not so sure about "sullen" oak. It's not
that an oak could not be "sullen" . Nothing so apnoeic but whether it fits
the mood of the poem. Sombre might be an option were it not over-used. Or
another adjective?

For S2 suggest: "They will go down with you, smooth and heavy and cool as
winter. They have the texture of death, in pinafore pockets are carried to
water." (Line breaks still to go in). Not such a good idea to refer to river
and stream in the same poem. For most people they are different in their
connotations.

For S3 "Weightlessness is a dream as you drag your body step by step across
the shallow stream."

S4 is the weakest in the poem IMHO. It's not bad. It is just less good than
the others. Perhaps it could be compressed to: "Looking life in the face you
no longer envy the living among the living dead." (Looking life in the face
is probably too hackneyed. Something more interesting than this.)

In S5, I like "Your silhouette eclipses an innocent sun" , but even so I
wonder at the choice of adjective. It sounds good but innocent is not a word
readily affiliated to sun (at least not in my mind). I guess the sun feels
powerful and bright. Then again the sun has origins before those of the
Earth and all its corruptions in most cosmologies. BTW "then is not a
conjunction". I add this in the knowledge that my own poetry is replete with
little errors. I am always happy to have them pointed out and hope the same
is true for you.

How about: "One shoe slips off. One shoe chooses to float while you sink to
a room of your own, with flowers, that do not know the light." It is not
that I don't understand how "danses macabres" fits into the poem. It's just
that I feel a bit derailed after the elegant simplicity of the preceding
poem and if I translate it to "macabre dance" that sounds too fanciful. I
think one of the many strengths of this poem is its simplicity. Another is
the sense of inevitability.

You will know as well as me that these changes are not improvements but
suggestions for further work. One irony is that I have pruned your poem when
my own work is so often verbose. I am not against saying the same thing in
different ways in a poem.

BW


Colin




----- Original Message -----
From: "michaela a. gabriel" <[log in to unmask]>
To: <[log in to unmask]>
Sent: Sunday, April 27, 2003 10:25 PM
Subject: New sub: Virginia


> christina told me there was a problem with my sub ... so i am trying
again.
> after a long time, i am finally posting something here on the mailinglist
> ... any comments appreciated.
>
> michi
>
> ***
>
> Virginia
>
> One stone, two stones, three stones,
> chosen like lovers, each caressed
> beneath a sullen oak.
>
> They will go down with you,
> smooth and heavy, and cool
> as winter cheeks.
> This is the texture of death,
> the threat of your extinction
> carried in pinafore pockets,
> river-bound.
>
> Weightlessness is a dream,
> a promise for the aftermath,
> as you drag your body
> halfway across a shallow stream,
> step by deliberate step.
>
> You look life in the face,
> no longer envy those
> who never had to strangle
> voices in the dark,
> who do not fear the hours.
>
> This is it. Your silhouette eclipses
> an innocent sun, then you're gone.
> One shoe slips off, one shoe
> choosing to float while you sink
> to a room of your own,
> a bed complete with flowers
> ignorant of light, masters
> of danses macabres.
>
> The river is silent, Virginia,
> always.
>
>
> mag03
>
>
> michaela a. gabriel
> http://www.geocities.com/lillith1971
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> "deeds cannot dream what dreams can do" --
> e. e. cummings
>