Hi Colin,
My first reaction, coming right as I started to read, was "We envy birds..."
- and I thought "No I don't!" and the poem then had to struggle to convince
me that I had something to envy!
It might be that sceptical readers might be won over to the poem's
perceptions if a less universal, less inclusive, form of address was used...
Maybe "He/She/They" or "I" might work. But, again, it might not - because
the reader still has to accept the perceptions they're being given. Ah, it's
a tough one!
I guess huge Ted Hughes rewrote/revolutionised/recalibrated how we can write
about birds and animals. He was so specific, particular, and - even though
poems needn't always be so - tough.
It could be that this might work if you didn't write it in such general
terms "We" (or, previously) "Man" and selected a particular person, or group
of people, and let them say what you want us to read and hear. They then
work as an intermediary. (Ha! If that's done then the poem can "tell" me
some things because it's somebody else telling me how they feel, not how I
should feel!)
Or it could be that you could work for something else that parallels the
feelings you/we/they have for birds. It ain't easy to give a description of
what I mean - but I can give an example! R.S. Thomas has written a fine poem
called SEA WATCHING which is about a bird-watcher, himself, wandering the
cliffs searching for a sight of a rare bird - but, when reading the piece,
it's soon recognised that the bird (and his desire to see it) is also about
something else...
I could say more about all this, but I don't know if I want to right now.
Except, perhaps, say that I feel you're approaching your subject too head
on, too up front... These days, for all sorts of reasons, I keep remembering
something Emily Dickenson once wrote, "tell the truth, but tell it slant."
And I'm thinking: come at this from a slightly different angle...
... Maybe wrap up what you're saying in a poem with more substance, more
narrative...
Bob
>From: Colin dewar <[log in to unmask]>
>Reply-To: The Pennine Poetry Works <[log in to unmask]>
>To: [log in to unmask]
>Subject: newsub/inside and out
>Date: Mon, 28 Apr 2003 18:29:54 +0100
>
>Inside and Out
>
>We envy birds
>but what can we really say
>of the long flight,
>the rough air against eyes and the hungry months at sea.
>They who fly must force themselves on
>or fall underfoot.
>
>We see nobility of plumage,
>the quest for height, angelic blue,
>all from the outside.
>The aesthete in us gazes
>but does not feel with bird
>the leaden weight of its freedom.
>
>Bird feels but does not see itself,
>lives only with land in view.
>Are we really so strong
>that we could soar with aching wing
>and sing still of the moon,
>of bright air around us,
>uplifting on updraft arms,
>of how it is in heaven
>to dwell among stars?
>
>
>
>
>____________________________
>
>
> Colin
>
>Original first line was "Man envies bird" but I changed it in case it
>sounded sexist. Thoughts?
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