Yes, thanks for your thoughts. Much encouraged that you liked some parts.

The shop-girl on the bus is a shock because she's out of context - so it's
thst frisson of surprise seeing someone out of their usual frame.

I agree that normally one would show not tell, so "ambiguous" smacks of
telling the reader what to think. However I argue for the word "ambiguous"
in that this "day" could be "night" if night is defined as that part of the
24 hrs where the moon may shine. The intent of "ambiguous" is to disjoint
the reader - it is not what happens in the poem that is ambiguous, but
rather the nature of this day/night.

The moon is the "keeping sister" who holds my hand, and, improbably, is
physically very real. The shop-girl is actually real, and so, in this
transparent-seeming night/day, etherial.

Hope this helps.
Very truly, Philip




>From: grasshopper <[log in to unmask]>
>Reply-To: The Pennine Poetry Works <[log in to unmask]>
>To: [log in to unmask]
>Subject: Re: new submission: MOON DAY (second draft)
>Date: Sun, 12 Jan 2003 14:27:28 -0000
>
>Dear Philip,
>I found parts of this worked for me and parts didn't-eg why should you be
>shocked to see a shopgirl on the bus?
>Also I didn't care for the adjective 'ambiguous' in the first line- seems
>to
>me too tell-y, whereas I expect that to be shown in the poem.
>At the end the moon is a keeping sister- how does the imagery : holding
>your
>hand -'grand face' - sit with the earlier shopgirl? Oddly for me.
>Kind regards,
>           grasshopper
>
>----- Original Message -----
>From: "Philip Burton" <[log in to unmask]>
>To: <[log in to unmask]>
>Sent: Saturday, January 11, 2003 9:51 PM
>Subject: [THE-WORKS] new submission: MOON DAY (second draft)
>
>
>         Moon Day
>
>
>One of those ambiguous days
>when the moon hangs out in the sun
>and Venus is lit by a festival bulb
>and aircraft issue an amber trail
>
>The midday moon is a shop-girl
>you're shocked to see, on a bus,
>ghost through defensive walls
>like ice on a winter moustache
>
>The bus ticket is pale and rich
>twice doubled with lilac shadow
>And cats' eyes wink on the river
>and each road is a road to follow
>
>The moon, like a keeping sister
>grips your hand briefly in hers
>burns her grand face on yours
>signing you off on your own
>
>Like a repentant flea, the moon
>returns to her market stall
>and the supermarket giant sun
>the only star tomorrow
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
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