I would suggest for a poem that capitalizes on deliberate vagueness that
any unnecessary vagueness be removed. For example, why do our dreams
have to be "something" shining? Why so repulsive "and more..."? Why so
dead "somewhere"? Why "something" so difficult as this? What do you
really gain by using words that convey nothing to the reader? Customary
expressions like "to have and to hold" are also a non-encounter. I would
say, give the reader something fresh, original, sparkling, specific.
Leave only impressions if you wish, but do so through specific ideas. An
Impressionist painting is made up of discrete dots....
I found "until finite tics announce we are one" to be rather
unfortunate. I pictured shoulders jerking, etc.
It is clear that you seek a style that ignores grammatical conventions,
and there is professional success available for such poetry. But, I
don't think such poetry is a sufficient challenge to the writer. It's
rather like the sculptor who makes a nothing and presents it for view
saying, in effect, "You figure it out." Rules are freeing, not
constraining.
Carl
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Delicate Pastel
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