> I like the delight in the plans for the garden. I have justed planted
> a wisteria, a very modest project in comparison to this garden.
>
> On a more critical note, I find it hard to feel the significance of
> the more overgrown parts of the poem eg ""We'll catch electric light
> in lustrous leaping sprays."
Hi Colin! I'm sure you will be rewarded for your wisteria, however small
an overall project it may have been. Thanks for noting the
adjective-laden section. While some didn't mind it, others also pointed
it out, and probably those who didn't mind it also like the solution.
Thanks again!
> I'd ask whether the father was a killer or killed. ... Did he really
> catch frogs in lily ponds? Is that propelled and or an arcing spring?
> I wonder also whether it'd be worth considering using the past tense
> until the final line (with the exception of dirt and manure being
> cheerful mire)?
Hi Christina! I had been scrutinizing the first section quite a lot; I
also disliked "map my way within that name", and I was also concerned
that the reader would have time to wonder who killed whom. I think my
solution for the present will be to introduce a comma before "killed".
This prevents "killed" from being an active verb. As for frogs in lily
ponds, if nobody ever ate a frog caught on Longwood grounds, I'll be
quite surprised. It had significant agricultural uses for a long time.
Certainly catching frogs to eat was probably not the purpose, but I like
"[catch] frogs in lily pools" just as a fun way of saying find them
there, give them homes there, etc. And I've been thinking about verb
tense, too. I'll reserve comment to avoid biasing you as to my
intentions there. You have once again found the Nemours section
troublesome; I have a re-work now.
> I believe you are referring to the gunpowder plant and manufacture of
> dynamite, but also the fairly recent incident with John? Deborah
Hello Deborah! I am indeed referring to the plant, though not to
anything more recent. Does the poem require additional differentiation,
do you think?
Thanks for looking in, all!
Carl
==== Revision II =====
The Longwood Story
My father, killed, and I my father's son,
a Brandywine du Pont, began to set
my life upon that store: a future won
by work and trade. A garden fountain jet
released a spire of joyful plans: Nemours,
our early roots, afforded subtle sight:
a thrusting flush of spring. Dirt and manure
are cheerful mire! We catch electric light
in lustrous sprays and frogs in lily pools;
we prune the pine and bonsai. Hothouse ferns
lend depth to shallow blackened mirrors; schools
of fish and floriculture give returns
on my initial buy of Pierce's Park,
established now as Pennsylvania ark.
Longwood: gardens in Pennsylvania, USA.
Brandywine: in SE Pennsylvania.
Nemours: 75 km S-SE of Paris, France.
=====previous revision=====
The Longwood Story
My father killed, and I my father's son,
a Brandywine du Pont, began to set
my life upon that store: a future won
by work and trade. A garden fountain jet
released a spire of joyful plans: Nemours,
our early roots, afforded subtle sight:
propelled and arcing spring. Dirt and manure
are cheerful mire! We catch electric light
in lustrous sprays and frogs in lily pools;
we prune the pine and bonsai. Hothouse ferns
lend depth to shallow blackened mirrors; schools
of fish and floriculture give returns
on my initial buy of Pierce's Park,
established now as Pennsylvania ark.
======original=========
The Longwood Story
My father killed, and I his eldest son,
a Brandywine du Pont, began to map
my way within that name: a future won
by work and trade. A garden sculpture tap
released a spire of joyful plans: Nemours
a subtle marvel to behold: the might
of shooting, reaching water. Dirt, manure
are cheerful mire! We'll catch electric light
in lustrous leaping sprays and tumbling pools,
and stroll through cacti, boxwood, hothouse ferns
and vines in shallow blackened mirrors. Schools
of fish and floriculture give returns
on my initial buy of Pierce's Park,
established now as Pennsylvania ark.
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