Some thoughts, Christine. "mangle" instead of "mutilate". Laminated
cards "offer" rather than "say", to intimate their function as written
translations. L9-10 are fillerish and don't flesh out a narrative. What
is his hand doing? L13-14 are excellent, tying the theme of the poem
with a plausible understanding of the war itself. Closing on know/no and
not on piss/peace is a very good idea, to encourage subtlety.
Carl
================
"Surrender."
"Salem nefsak." He repeats, doubting
the drawl of his Tennessee accent.
Newscasters repeat a thousand times - still
mutilate "Iraq". His laminated cards say, ,
'Are there armed men here?', 'Do not resist.'
In his mouth, words aren't dental or tense enough.
Trilled 'r's stiffen his tongue. He tries to squeeze
or cough an unvoiced uvular plosive, fails,
wakes in a seat of sweat as daylight fades
on letters scrawled from right to left:
his unsteady hand, clumsy as a child's
making the first marks. "Salem nefsak."
He thinks about the small difference
between piss and peace; none between know and no.
|