Hello all! Here are my comments, and below, a revised version.
> I wonder about moments when adjectives get clustered ... (Ha! If I were
> cruel I'd probably think I may scrap all of em and try some other
> phrases or image)...
Hi Bob! I think what is clear is that the reader favors narrative to
description. The reader doesn't want bunched-up nouns and adjectives,
but wants to read a flowing plot. I've tried, in the revision, to
incorporate more action. Every adjective means something to me based on
my research, but that's not finally the point. The reader will naturally
drift upon hitting a wad of nouns or description.
> I am fond of the 'listing' of plants. It seems the poem came together
> nicely. I love when that happens, for me, on rare occasion. :o)
>
> My niece worked at Longwood while attending high school, she enjoyed
> it very much. Family members received the benefit of beautiful plants
> on the holidays. I enjoyed the cyclamen, lilies and poinsettias (The
> first white poinsettias I had ever seen.)
Hello Deborah! In the interest of avoiding noun thickets ;) I have
incorporated more action into the section in which plants are named. I
thought my list was nice because it suggested horticultural challenges
and movement through the varieties, but a more active arrangement might
be equally or more pleasing. Personally I'm not sure which version I
prefer. And Longwood is beautiful, indeed!
> ... your line breaks carry no such weight or authority but ride over
> into the next line almost always. In your sonnet you line break on the
> rhyme and the whole sentence unbroken gains nothing by being broken
> at that particular point other than it meets the demands of metre and
> rhyme of the sonnet form.
Hello Arthur! Okay, now I understand what you are saying. You mean that
my line-ending words do nothing except rhyme, they are not otherwise
significant words, not pulling double-duty. In some of my sonnets the
line-end words are significant beyond rhyming. In this case, many
line-end words are significant words within the context of du Pont's
aims. Perhaps as line-end words they are more highlighted. I do like
enjambment of rhyming words as it helps the rhyming to be more subtle.
> I can see this place with all these visuals. It would be an interesting way
> to use this poem in a series to tell the narrative of du Pont. You have a
> very good rythmn in your poem; very effective.
>
> I had to look up Nemours ... love to learn new things:
Hello Ryfkah! Thanks so much for stopping by. I will consider your
suggestion; I think you are right that more can be done with the story.
I enjoy learning more about the people and places!
> ... I feel there are too many colons [around "Nemours" lines] and I
> lost my way within the meaning. Perhaps a dash after 'behold' might
> have been better, but then I am no expert. After reading some of the
> other comments I begin to wonder what I see that other perhaps don't.
> But then again it is all a matter of taste. And I love sonnets.
Hello Mary! Thanks for stopping by. Tell me if the revision is clearer.
I often use colons to introduce description, and I adore threading them
together. I love sonnets too. I especially love waiting for the volta,
and being gracefully wafted along on a smooth pattern of rhythm and
rhyme. I enjoy free verse too!
> ... I have problems when when language feels compromised for the sake
> of form. I feel I'm reading a sonnet rather than a poem. Some of
> Helena Nelson's sonnets use language so natural that you're not aware
> of the form until you look for it. That, for me, is the only truly
> successful way to use strict form...
Hi Christina! I'm not sure that I agree about the sonnet needing to be
virtually invisible, because the rhyme and meter patterns are
significant to the meaning, and because the sonnet tends to include a
volta, which other forms don't include; it is often the case that a
sonnet can be read better knowing that it is a sonnet. This is
especially true if something subtle is done with the meter or rhyme, or
if the volta is a particularly subtle one. I agree however that the
language must not be compromised for the form. Tell me, if you can,
whether or not you consider the revision an improvement.
> I lilke this, but find it a bit abrupt on its own. Perhaps it is or could be
> part of some sequence?
> bw
> SallyE
Hello Sally! Thanks for stopping by. I find if I read this poem slowly,
and give the words and punctuation their due, it reads nicely; if I read
it quickly then it feels too hasty a treatment. Perhaps you find it too
hasty no matter how read. It could indeed end up being part of a series.
Many thanks for your help!
Carl
===revised version===
The Longwood Story
My father killed, and I my father's son,
a Brandywine du Pont, began to set
my life upon that store: a future won
by work and trade. A garden fountain jet
released a spire of joyful plans: Nemours,
our early roots, afforded subtle sight:
propelled and arcing spring. Dirt and manure
are cheerful mire! We catch electric light
in lustrous sprays and frogs in lily pools;
we prune the pine and bonsai. Hothouse ferns
lend depth to shallow blackened mirrors; schools
of fish and floriculture give returns
on my initial buy of Pierce's Park,
established now as Pennsylvania ark.
===========original===============
The Longwood Story
My father killed, and I his eldest son,
a Brandywine du Pont, began to map
my way within that name: a future won
by work and trade. A garden sculpture tap
released a spire of joyful plans: Nemours
a subtle marvel to behold: the might
of shooting, reaching water. Dirt, manure
are cheerful mire! We'll catch electric light
in lustrous leaping sprays and tumbling pools,
and stroll through cacti, boxwood, hothouse ferns
and vines in shallow blackened mirrors. Schools
of fish and floriculture give returns
on my initial buy of Pierce's Park,
established now as Pennsylvania ark.
==================================
Longwood: gardens in Pennsylvania, USA.
Brandywine: in SE Pennsylvania.
Nemours: 75 km S-SE of Paris, France.
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