Hi Carl,
A lot of craft in this poem! It feels measured, rich, balanced.
But (oh the critic's billy goat "butt"!) I wonder about moments when
adjectives get clustered - for instance in:
"in lustrous leaping sprays and tumbling pools,
and stroll through cacti, boxwood, hothouse ferns
and vines in shallow blackened mirrors."
Where I think the first of these lines is almost 2/3rds adjectives! (Ha! If
I were cruel I'd probably think I may scrap all of em and try some other
phrases or image)... But "lustrous" is a word I may play with a little
before I dumped it. In the way it's presented here it sounds an almost
"poetic" intrusion in the poem - I might consider working with irony a
bit... maybe "in almost lustrous sprays and tumbling pools" where the notion
of tumbling seems to get a bit more negativity added to it as well... Manure
has (or can have) ironic associations too! (And that smelly stuff makes me
think there's more going on here than appears on the surface... the black
surface.)
I know nothing of the place or the people, but get a "feel" I've been
similar places, possibly come across similar folk (that's possibly why I
want to add some irony!). I wonder, too, how many hidden ironies you're
including that I could only know if I knew more about the person, the place.
I suspect there's probably a few.
Bob
>From: Carl Reimann <[log in to unmask]>
>Reply-To: The Pennine Poetry Works <[log in to unmask]>
>To: [log in to unmask]
>Subject: NEW: The Longwood Story
>Date: Sun, 20 Apr 2003 23:00:56 -0400
>
>The Longwood Story
>
>My father killed, and I his eldest son,
>a Brandywine du Pont, began to map
>my way within that name: a future won
>by work and trade. A garden sculpture tap
>released a spire of joyful plans: Nemours
>a subtle marvel to behold: the might
>of shooting, reaching water. Dirt, manure
>are cheerful mire! We'll catch electric light
>in lustrous leaping sprays and tumbling pools,
>and stroll through cacti, boxwood, hothouse ferns
>and vines in shallow blackened mirrors. Schools
>of fish and floriculture give returns
>on my initial buy of Pierce's Park,
>established now as Pennsylvania ark.
>
>
>
>
>
>
>==================================
>Longwood: gardens in Pennsylvania, USA.
>Brandywine: in SE Pennsylvania.
>Nemours: 75 km S-SE of Paris, France.
>
>
>-Carl
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