Dear Deborah,
This reads like a very first draft to me, and I feel
you have to be more ruthless in what you decide to include. Quite a few of
the lines feel like fillers and could be expressed more freshly or clearly,
which would give the piece more impact.
Some specific comments below,which , as always, you are free to take on
board or ignore,
Kind regards,
grasshopper
----- Original Message -----
From: "Deborah Russell" <[log in to unmask]>
Sent: Friday, April 18, 2003 6:13 AM
Subject: [THE-WORKS] Small Towns Grow Into Strangers
> Small Towns Grow Into Strangers
>
> a dark haired boy who fell to earth
> on earthy mounds between now and then
> in foreign land, a small town destination
(foreign land needs an article, I feel)
> just like every sister's brother
> every mother's favored boy
(the 2 preceding lines are presented as synonymous but they are not)
> a beautiful child, a gleaming joy
(cliched description)
> how thrilled they are to watch him run
Who are 'they'? I guess you do not mean his family, but these are the only
people you've mentioned)
> until he stumbles
>
> small towns grow into strangers,
> young boys begin to slow
> when they reach a certain age
> (cliche )
> a dark haired boy,
> is no different than any others
( should that be 'than any other?)
> they stop, they go, they run and slow
> they get coached in little league
> led by scout masters
(Your point here?)
>
> on sundays a preacher recites
> the oly roly fible bibble
(this line doesn't sound like anything Biblical to me- it's a wasted line)
> dribbles and fiddles
> with boys who make change
( make change? in what way?)
> in the collection plate
>
> even freckled, cheshire grins
> could never hide the seek
( this wordplay doesn't seem to have any meaning)
> in dirty sleepy streets
> where church bells ring,
> resound pristine, sing
> that old time religion
(cliche)
>
> and how it pounds a dull retreat
(what exactly does the pronoun refer to?-needs defining)
> in tone on tone and moves
> dark haired boys to slow defeat
>
>
> small town lawyers pay pretty boys
(didn't understand what the 'pretty boys' implies)
> to clean up after dark
> official closets sometimes
> fill with tattered clothes
> scents of dying flesh
> and old money
(This is all a bit too vague-what are these official closets exactly?
>
> sometimes
> beauty takes a vow of silence -
> in resurrected darkness
> where beauty rises
> from it's prayers,
(typo its)
> brushes off it's knees
> then turns and leaves
> through the back door
(The sudden appearance of this 'beauty' is puzzling. Who or what is it?)
>
> sometimes
> old moon winds howl
> when beauty leaves too soon
(beauty has already left in the preceding strophe)
> and memory never seems to die
> or change direction
> dreams are traced
> across a young boy's face
> in permanent ink
> or rippled fingerprints
> where fingers press
(would try to avoid repetition of fingers)
> into the skin
> of wet-white enamel
(I don't know what this wet-white enamel skin is-does it refer to the boy's
skin?
> and harden overnight
(I'm lost here, as the original image was of dreams being traced across
skin -now it seems to be the fingers that are hardening.I think the stanza
is too convoluted as it stands)
>
> even in time's distance
> car radios play so loud that
> even Billy Joel can't convince us
> of an innocent man
(Billy Joel's songs don't carry a deep enough resonance for me to make this
strophe work, but this may just be a purely personal reaction
>
>
> deborah russell
|