Hi Christina,
Wow! I like this a lot!
There's a fine sense of rhythm (and I love the way the two "without" words
work! And, for me, there's still a strong hint at it (still) being a sonnet:
I mean starts with the present, then details the past - so, so it's working
with different times, that's the two sections a sonnet needs - and then
there's a striking conclusion! A loosened knocked-about sonnet for our
loosened knocked-about world!

I see as well, in your revision, where you're thoughts about my piece relate
to what you've done with yours as well! In omitting the first statements
your narrator is (now only) writing from one point of view.
Bob






>From: Christina Fletcher <[log in to unmask]>
>Reply-To: The Pennine Poetry Works <[log in to unmask]>
>To: [log in to unmask]
>Subject: Sub: Z  (second draft)
>Date: Fri, 3 Jan 2003 14:04:36 EST
>
>
>
>         Z
>
>
>         He knows roughly where the door is.
>         He needs to know the destination.
>         One, Archway and six, change for Vauxhall
>         then up and out.  Remembering
>         an unroped pot hole, he slows before the crossing
>         where trains run overhead. Almost the same sound
>         without the flash and rubble.  Without soldiers,
>         screams or tear gas.  Without the smell
>         of zaatar for breakfast or a clink of arak
>         with the homely taste of ful medames
>         on black September nights. Or the rich voice
>         of Oum Kalthoum. Once, someone told him
>         a day without her is like a day without colour.
>
>
>
>
>
>
>         christina fletcher
>
>
>
>
>
>


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