Ryf,

There is plenty in this poem to like. However some word choices come across
as eccentric. Don't take this the wrong way. I know there is a tension
between avoiding clichés and being so maverick that people can't make the
connections and that a happy medium is hard to find. I know too well how far
from a happy medium I have often fallen myself. How do fireworks ferment?
Feels like a slowly maturing dairy product. I know there are possible
connections such as fruitful and pungent, but find myself straining to make
them. (How about foment instead? Or is that equally esoteric?) Her lips
gnarl. This
makes me think of part of a tree, a gnarled branch perhaps. (How about
curl?) She sparred into life? This feels a bit like the middle of the game.
"Would you like to do a little light sparring?" or "During the conversation,
I'm afraid I was sparring with him." (How about, sparked into life or does
that sound too electrical or just plain clichéd?) I know there is no science
to these connections and can only give you my intuitive response, which
another reader might contradict.

Is the end of the poem deliberately Platonic?

Colin



----- Original Message -----
From: "Ryfkah *" <[log in to unmask]>
To: <[log in to unmask]>
Sent: Saturday, April 05, 2003 8:02 AM
Subject: New poem: One More Birthday


> One More Birthday
>
> Fireworks ferment on the freeway
> a Disneyland donation on Friday night
>
> A daughter's twenty-first birthday
> celebrated with Persian cuisine and candlelight
>
> With fighter's face and fiery hair
> she sparred into life
>
> spun sewing thread webs in the air
> wore cowgirl boots to kickbox strife
>
> My child orders her first drink
> Her lips gnarl with distaste
>
> Alone I think
> about the innocence we waste
>
> some morsel of immortality
> still savored in memory
>
> Ryfkah 4/4/03
>
>