What's a prepositional phrase?
Colin
----- Original Message -----
From: "Ryfkah *" <[log in to unmask]>
To: <[log in to unmask]>
Sent: Saturday, April 05, 2003 2:40 AM
Subject: Re: New sub: Pebble
In a message dated 04.01.03 10:21:43 AM, [log in to unmask] writes:
<< Pebble.
The sea uncurls
shines and shoots
like hot solder
up the slope of beach. [the beach slope – my friendly poet-editor Georgia
Popoff also taught me to look at prepositonal phrases and see if it is
really
needed]
The sand springs [lovely sounds here]
tines of grasses,
wind-curved
to rake the air.
This stone, found perfect.
I toss to tumble [feels awkward]
through the flare of sky. [sky flare?]
It flies a moment
then smacks back
into my palm.
My fingers stroke
the sea-smoothed skin. [love sea-smoothed skin – alleteration at its best]
Grey as remembered eyes,
flecked and freckled, [These two lines are great visions]
smooth as the skin [you have smooth skin above]
on the inside of her arm.
Exploring fingers
discover a scar
a blemish too small
for eye, but the nail lodges.
All things are marred. [do you tell the reader too much here?]
The fruit’s corruption’s
inherent in the seed.
I cast it
back into the scour [do you need both scour and rinse?]
and rinse of the sea.
A bright flower
of shining water blooms. [like this image]
>>
[very vivid portrayal of a simple pebble...mazel tov]
kol tuv, Ryfkah
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