I appreciate your thoughtful comments.
kol tuv, Ryfkah
In a message dated 04.05.03 5:30:56 AM, [log in to unmask]
writes:
<< Dear Ryfkah,
This is a very interesting poem. I was discussing on another list how rhyme
is rarely used without regular metre or form, and how somehow a reader
expects them in tandem with rhyme.
I would reconsider 'strife' - as soon as I see that. I'm expecting 'life'
to pop up, and sure enough it does. I don't think it's a word we'd normally
use, apart from a convenient rhyme.
This line:
spun sewing thread webs in the air
sits oddly with the rather anti-gurlie imagery of the rest of the poem. I
think it needs toughening up in some way.
But overall, it comes across as affectionate portrait I enjoyed reading
this.
Kind regards,
grasshopper >>
|