Dear Sue,
Thanks for your comments.
I would disagree that a essential quality of poetry is to use fewer words
than prose. Often it will use more. One example that immediately comes to
mind is alliterative AS poetry. Poetry for me is not about what you 'say'
but how you 'say' it. You could precis Paradise lost, for example, get rid
of lots of words and lose the poem. I don't think the idea of poetry as a
sort of economical use of language, which seems to have become popular
(goodness knows why) is borne out by the facts.
I recall the aristocrat who criticised Mozart's music as having too many
notes.
To which the astonished Mozart replied , It has just as many notes as it
needs.
Kind regards,
grasshopper
----- Original Message -----
From: "Sue Scalf" <[log in to unmask]>
To: <[log in to unmask]>
Sent: Saturday, April 05, 2003 4:22 PM
Subject: Re: [THE-WORKS] New sub: Mermaiden
> In a message dated 04/05/2003 8:59:36 AM Central Standard Time,
> [log in to unmask] writes:
>
> << This poem is more about exploring a metaphor and creating an atmosphere
> than
> anything else. I am not trying to 'say' anything to the reader, but to
> communicate a part of my imagination. So far as I had a conscious
intention
> about this piece, it was about trying to create a poetic experience that
> would give pleasure to a reader rather than about making any statement.
> I would be interested to know what others think about what a poem 'says'.
> Kind regards,
> grasshopper >> Personally, and this may just be me, I do prefer poems
> that seem to have a stronger point than just creating an atmosphere,
although
> I have enjoyed many that did just this. Still, I expect it to be a very
> vivid presentation. For me, and this is my opinion, your poem "Mermaiden"
> did not work. The climax trick was not enough nor the attempted
evocation
> of lust. Poetry uses fewer words indeed; that is one way it differs from
> prose.
> > > > Mermaiden
> > > >
> > > >
> > > > She sits on an pearled imperial rock, should be "a" pearled rock
> > > > scaly buttocks snug against the shells.
> > > > Limpets lickle at her fingers, pedicure (lickle?)
> > > >
> > > > her tail-tips. She sighs, tastes the salt tail-tips? tail-fins
would
> work
> > > > on her lips, thinks of sailors, a mariner
> > > > with tousled chest and blue-irised Irish eyes, tried to say tongue
> twister out loud and that is what it was "blue-irised Irish eyes."
> > > >
> > > > sweet matelot. a sea-dog she will leash
> > > > with the Hokusai whorls of her hair,
> > > > burnished like sunbeams on wave-curls. Why not just "burnished sun?
> > > >
> > > > She combs her locks with honeyed words, a metaphor that doesn't
stick
> here
> > > > blows kisses at the lusty gulls, hears their shrieks
> > > > climax on a hump of landed orca. Hmmmm. Shrieks climax on a hump.
I
> wonder what those gulls are doing?
> > > >
> > > > Her heart is brine, harder than Lot's wife,
> > > > baked and caked by long years on the flats
> > > > of water. Her eyes are liquid, like her song. Excellent stanza
> > > >
> > > > Beware of her beauty, as cruel as the ocean, Beware of her beauty,
> cruel as the ocean is cliche as far as I am concerned.
> > > > as eternal as the wash of waves, the wane
> > > > of shore. She is in her element, you are mere
> > > >
> > > > mammal, juicy and ungilled. A subtle mind is nothing
> > > > more than tissue. She will lace it on the swell
> > > > like marbled fat on meat. She will dissolve you
> > > >
> > > > into her queendom. You will spill guts, groin
> > > > and begetting into a sudden maelstrom
> > > > of sharp reflected stars. Not sexy at all. Sounds like the fish is
> going to eat the man. If you said you will spill sperm it might work.
>
> I am sorry to be so honest, Grassy, but the whole poem just left me cold.
Sue
>
>
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