Dear Ryfkah,
This is a very interesting poem. I was discussing on another list how rhyme
is rarely used without regular metre or form, and how somehow a reader
expects them in tandem with rhyme.
I would reconsider 'strife' - as soon as I see that. I'm expecting 'life'
to pop up, and sure enough it does. I don't think it's a word we'd normally
use, apart from a convenient rhyme.
This line:
spun sewing thread webs in the air
sits oddly with the rather anti-gurlie imagery of the rest of the poem. I
think it needs toughening up in some way.
But overall, it comes across as affectionate portrait I enjoyed reading
this.
Kind regards,
grasshopper
----- Original Message -----
From: "Ryfkah *" <[log in to unmask]>
Sent: Saturday, April 05, 2003 8:02 AM
Subject: [THE-WORKS] New poem: One More Birthday
> One More Birthday
>
> Fireworks ferment on the freeway
> a Disneyland donation on Friday night
>
> A daughter's twenty-first birthday
> celebrated with Persian cuisine and candlelight
>
> With fighter's face and fiery hair
> she sparred into life
>
> spun sewing thread webs in the air
> wore cowgirl boots to kickbox strife
>
> My child orders her first drink
> Her lips gnarl with distaste
>
> Alone I think
> about the innocence we waste
>
> some morsel of immortality
> still savored in memory
>
> Ryfkah 4/4/03
>
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