Hi Christina,
Thanks for this. My trouble is I work too fast. Having said that I'd prefer
not to cut as much as you have suggested though the S2 chops are highly
justified.
bw
James
>From: Christina Fletcher <[log in to unmask]>
>Reply-To: The Pennine Poetry Works <[log in to unmask]>
>To: [log in to unmask]
>Subject: Re: New sub: Sludge
>Date: Fri, 4 Apr 2003 01:34:37 EST
>
>Morning, James. I wonder whether you'd consider snipping a few words?
>Suggestions in brackets in the text. There's an awful lot of repetition in
>this short piece.
>bw
>christina
>
>
> >
> > SLUDGE
> >
> > It was high tide (, though) on the turn,
> > (and I saw how) bank stranded sludge
> > (now) floated (quite) picturesquely
> > against the (background of) mist over
> > landscape and river, with the new (risen) sun
> > gaining prominence - water reflections,
> > a pair of mallards, lumps of sewage (sludge)
> > in a (new) Devon day can hardly fail to charm. *** don't like this
>line.
> >
> > Now, downriver at mid-day *** comma after mid-day?
> > heat has burnt away the mist,
> > is more of a distant haze. *** syntax, ducks:-)
> > The river, still flat, has dropped
> > in obedience to the tidal cycle *** full stop here?
> > (and) sludge sculptures scatter(ed)
> > over slipway and bankside - abstracts
> > of twig and straw and raw sewage
> > being slowly dried in the sun. *** dry slowly in the sun?
>
>
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