I like this too,though sometimes I'm a little confused about what's
happening. As usual I've probably missed some of it. Perhaps this isn't the
whole poem?
Think you CAN keep 'keep'.The repetition works for ME!
Trish
----- Original Message -----
From: "Ryfkah *" <[log in to unmask]>
To: <[log in to unmask]>
Sent: Thursday, April 03, 2003 3:28 AM
Subject: Re: sub - after his 'women'


> Shalom
>
> I love the way this performs; I like the conversational style.  Further
> nit-pics below.  Ignore me if you can.
>
> kol tuv, Ryfkah
>
>
> In a message dated 04.01.03 12:22:31 AM, [log in to unmask] writes:
>
> << after his 'women'   [A catchy title]
>
>
> but what do you make of women like that  [I like the way the title moves
into
> the poem]
>
> they kept coming  [You use they twice in a row here]
>
> they were young they seemed to know
>
> what they wanted
>
> at least for a little while  [Like this enjambment between stanzas/line -
> could you try for more?]
>
>
> and he was older and ugly
>
> writing about his philandering ways
>
> the practice of faithless love
>
> sometimes it seems the more you confess
>
> the more sin you can get to keep
>
> even when he knew that he was bad
>
> he kept on going
>
> even when they knew that he was bad
>
> they kept coming
>
> la la
>
> la
>
> la
>
>
> bukowski   [Don't like him, do we?]
>
> it's really good to meet you
>
> I've bean hearing about you now
>
> for years
>
> I think I like the way you
>
> mark your paper
>
> like the way you hold your alcohol
>
> the way you just keep travelling
>
> serendipity
>
> out on the streets  [Here too   :-)  I like the flow!]
>
>
> and if you're lonely
>
> if you're working
>
> or sleeping
>
> if you're wondering what the hell to do
>
> she's on the telephone  [Lots of "she's" to begin lines; "really" below
too -
> I was taught by my friendly poet/editor Georgia Popoff to look at your
line
> beginnings as much as ends]
>
> she's in your doorway
>
> she's yelling things from the middle of the road
>
> screaming out she loves you
>
> really hates you
>
> really wants you in her bed
>
> she wants to own the words you say
>
> wants them written in a one-to-one
>
> that's hers to keep
>
> but  [I like but alone here]
>
>
> they're already out there  [Do you want to repeat they're and who are they
> anyway?]
>
> they're flying through the air
>
> if I put my hand up now
>
> I'll catch them halfway right around the world
>
>
> twenty years later
>
>
> oh well
>
>
> are they still chasing you
>
> charlie b
>
> wherever in hell
>
> you are
>
> keep your head down
>
> keep your page straight
>
> and keep on pinning them  [Do you need keep 3 times?]
>
> right onto the page >>
>