Shalom
I love the way this performs; I like the conversational style. Further
nit-pics below. Ignore me if you can.
kol tuv, Ryfkah
In a message dated 04.01.03 12:22:31 AM, [log in to unmask] writes:
<< after his 'women' [A catchy title]
but what do you make of women like that [I like the way the title moves into
the poem]
they kept coming [You use they twice in a row here]
they were young they seemed to know
what they wanted
at least for a little while [Like this enjambment between stanzas/line -
could you try for more?]
and he was older and ugly
writing about his philandering ways
the practice of faithless love
sometimes it seems the more you confess
the more sin you can get to keep
even when he knew that he was bad
he kept on going
even when they knew that he was bad
they kept coming
la la
la
la
bukowski [Don't like him, do we?]
it's really good to meet you
I've bean hearing about you now
for years
I think I like the way you
mark your paper
like the way you hold your alcohol
the way you just keep travelling
serendipity
out on the streets [Here too :-) I like the flow!]
and if you're lonely
if you're working
or sleeping
if you're wondering what the hell to do
she's on the telephone [Lots of "she's" to begin lines; "really" below too -
I was taught by my friendly poet/editor Georgia Popoff to look at your line
beginnings as much as ends]
she's in your doorway
she's yelling things from the middle of the road
screaming out she loves you
really hates you
really wants you in her bed
she wants to own the words you say
wants them written in a one-to-one
that's hers to keep
but [I like but alone here]
they're already out there [Do you want to repeat they're and who are they
anyway?]
they're flying through the air
if I put my hand up now
I'll catch them halfway right around the world
twenty years later
oh well
are they still chasing you
charlie b
wherever in hell
you are
keep your head down
keep your page straight
and keep on pinning them [Do you need keep 3 times?]
right onto the page >>
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