Thanks for your kind response and read. I shall take your suggestions on
board Arthur.
----- Original Message -----
From: "Bob Cooper" <[log in to unmask]>
To: <[log in to unmask]>
Sent: Tuesday, April 01, 2003 2:00 AM
Subject: Re: New sub: No title..........as yet


Hi Arthur,
A really fine poem! I've put comments in CAPS alongside a few things...
And put a few other thoughts at the end.
It reminds me of the early poems of R S Thomas - though it's got far more
lines! But, in saying that, I'm not saying cut any chunks... maybe juswt
pare off a few words...)
I like it a lot!
Bob






>From: arthur seeley <[log in to unmask]>
>Reply-To: The Pennine Poetry Works <[log in to unmask]>
>To: [log in to unmask]
>Subject: New sub: No title..........as yet
>Date: Sun, 30 Mar 2003 20:30:48 +0100
>
>Hard days on the fells with the flock,
>their soft greet, the curlew's lonely flute,
>the waters welling fresh from the ground
>with a gurgle, lick between stones and gather
>and fall and widen as they fall, LOVE THE REPEAT OF "FALL"
>the warm winds through the heath
>these were all he heard or cared to hear
>in a world now shaped by silences.
>So he chose this way that skirted the village places DELETE "PLACES"
>where washing floated and slapped in the sunlight, DELETE "THE"?
>curious faces, pegging out, peeped around sheets NOT SURE ABOUT CURIOUS...
>(I GUESS YOU MEAN THE PEOPLE WERE CURIOUS... BUT STILL NOT SURE THE WORD'S
>NEEDED)
>and shone upon him like a torch FULL STOP HERE?
>Evenings in the squat cottage he watched
>his mother locked with her loss beside the fire,
>listened to the squeak of her rocker
>and the splutter and shifts in the grate.
>
>Rain had pressed over the sultry glimmers SULTRY GLIMMERS (NAH! POETIC!)
>of the past few days, now as thunder muttered
>through the hills the first fat drops pocked
>the silky dust of his path home, freshened the air
>suddenly cool, chill as the wind swelled. UTTERLY BRILL!!!!!
>Single wet smacks on leaves, merged to a patter,
>blurred to a hiss; tops swayed and heaved. EQUALLY UTTERLY BRILL!!!!
>He hunched and quickened his stride.
>
>Home for the night he gazed at her bent back
>before drawing up to his meal. She had laid out the table
>in such a way that his back would be towards her.
>The evening drew in and thickened to night. (NO FULL STOP - START THE NEXT
>LINE WITH "WHILE" OR "AS" - SO THINGS HAPPEN AT THE SAME TIME, NOT
>SEQUENTIALLY)
>The rain swept over the roof, flung by the wind.
>He heard her rock and rock, pause and draw back slightly (GOOD REPETITION
>OF ROCK!)
>as the chimney coughed a plume of smoke into the room.
>He moved past the frail slump of her and adjusted the damper,
>looked back at the pale sliver of her profile
>shining through wisps of dishevelled hair,
>the glitter of eyes, remote, focussed on another time
>unaware of the solid ruth of him beside her. (MAYBE 2 TOO MANY ADJECTIVES
>HERE - ALMOST EVERY NOUN IS QUALIFIED, SOME NOUNS MAY NOT NEED
>QUALIFICATION... ADVERBS CAN WEAKEN, NOT STRENGTHEN WHAT'S SAID)
>He wanted to reach out and touch her hand,
>traced, instead, his thumbnail along the grain of the mantle,
>dug for words, a word,
>that might test the citadel of her grief, THIS LINE SOUNDS POETIC - IS IT
>REALLY NEEDED? (I'M THINKING IT ISN'T...)
>fill the pure emptiness of the space in the house. THE WORD "PURE" IS
>FASCINATING... IT QUALIFIES THE EMPTINESS IN A WAY THAT HELPS CLOSE THE
>POEM... BUT IF THIS EXPERIENCE IS NOT A ONE OFF, IF IT OFTEN HAPPENS, THE
>POEM MAY BE STRENGHTENED WITHOUT THE WORD "PURE" - IT MAY BECOME EVEN
>STRONGER, NOT A POEM OF ONE MOMENT BUT A POEM OF AN EXPERIENCE THAT
>ENDURES. IT SEEMS TO BE A POEM THAT HASN'T YET MADE UP ITS MIND IF IT WANT
>TO BE ABOUT ONE NIGHT OR A SUCCESSION OF NIGHTS - BUT THAT'S EASILY SORTED.

Bob


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