Did all that, then dismantled and redid again and again. What I wrote
finally was what had to be like the exploding nebula evolving into a
planetary system with life.
kol tuv, Ryfkah
In a message dated 03.31.03 5:36:26 PM, [log in to unmask] writes:
<< Hi Ryfkah,
Each time I read this I feel as if I'm being jabbed by tiny pins. But the
pinpricks seem too many and not to have the effect I guess you want them to
have (none of them hurt, maybe because there's so many - and I can't discern
any control in how they're working in the poem).
As a suggestion (because many of them are audible) could the "sound" lines
be the second lines of each couplet (and the first line be something
else...) and then a pattern may be more easily detected? Other patterns may
emerge with a little playing around with the order of lines, or with the way
a line space is made or deleted. Just a thought.
Bob >>
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